Wendy Barnett
Forum Replies Created
-
Summary:
Change is hard!!
Generally, I seek change out as a source of personal growth but, when it’s change that I don’t seek, it can be really challenging. That’s because I like to control my world but, in studying neuroscience and learning about the stages of change, I believe, as I write this, that I have more tolerance for appreciating how hard change is for all of us. I’ve found myself thinking much more about changing a habit I have and, per what Kent said, the difference between attention and intention and the stage at which each of those is relevant.
I found that the readings, for this module of the course, were easy to digest and made a lot of sense. They were highly relatable and explained the brain and our wiring in a way which has given me a lot of confidence about how change happens and the power of the relapse as a tool for learning and reflecting. As I think about my role as a partner in someone’s journey, this has educated me in a way that I, already, have changed my own attitude towards someone’s change journey. I appreciate the stages and the speed at which we all move thru’ those stages being different. As I’m coaching my 2 paid clients, I already approach those conversations differently, with more empathy and kindness for the challenge but also with a confidence that, if you practice, the brain will re-wire and serve your change process. -
Response to Lauren:
Your frustration and exhaustion are both palpable in your response – I feel you and I’m sorry that you had such a challenging experience, but, I would +1 to what Ivy said. She seemed to have so much going on that perhaps she just had to get it out there before anything could shift – unfortunately you were the vessel into which she dumped it all and it seems to have left you feeling ineffective. However, just creating that space for her to unload, I’m sure made a difference in how she felt and, having received coaching from you, I’m confident that there is nothing that you did/didn’t do that would have changed the dynamic.
I remember Michael saying that it’s important to let it go in the moment and then, gently, check in after some time has passed – have you done that? On the day she met with you, from what you say, she doesn’t seem to have been in a space to be able to do anything other than purge but, I bet your questions triggered some questions in her mind – the challenge is whether she’s created any space to hear them.
IMHO there will always be clients who aren’t ready for us – I’m guessing she was in pre-contemplation – and the challenge for us is to get comfortable with that rather than creating any space for doubt in ourselves. I wonder what part of you is that little voice suggesting that you weren’t enough and that you didn’t achieve anything that day except exhaust yourself? Maybe this wasn’t about her at all and is an opportunity for you to challenge your thinking about your abilities and gift as a coach…? -
Response to Amanda:
I say this with love; in the time I’ve known you, you have consistently voiced doubt about your gift as a guide which, to those of us who have had the benefit of being guided by you, is difficult to conceive. You have such a genuine love of people and create a safe space for us to speak with vulnerability and openness – my wish for you is that you could experience yourself!
I have also observed that your own challenges, while you can empathize with the other person, don’t seem to create confluence – you are able to (or at least seem to be able to!) remain detached from your client’s experience such that you can guide them effectively and without bias.
I don’t know if you already do this but, I would invite you to reflect on a session and sit with how you physically feel. Then start to focus in on where things felt organic and try to understand why; I’d love for you to be able to believe in the gift that you have for being there for others. -
Initial post:
I have 2 paid clients currently and I am working with both of them as it relates to them changing how they think about themselves and their professional roles.
#1: Is a good friend who asked me to coach her. She’s a divorced (husband had an affair) mother of 3 amazing children, she was recently promoted to VP, she’s a lawyer, her father, with whom she was very close, passed away in his sleep 2 years ago (no known health issues so a total shock). She struggles with anxiety and a lack of self confidence, pretty much a classic case of imposter syndrome. As a lawyer, she is very data-driven and wants the coaching to be about tools and solutions so guiding her thru’ the uncertainty of trying to understand where her issue stems from can be very challenging. She is also in a relationship with someone who she has stated is not ‘her person’ yet she isn’t willing to end it; she has told me that he gives her confidence and I suspect that this is something she needs, in whatever form she can get it, based on her history. One of the things she has asked for my help with is ‘what is a VP?’ I invited her to create an avatar, of sorts, of all the things she admires in all the executive level leaders she knows. She’s still working on it but, my intention was not for her to look at those skills and characteristics and then to become them, it was for her to realize that she will be the VP that she is and that the promotion came because of who she already is and the work she already does. This was a bit of a ‘mind fuck’ for her as she genuinely believed she needed to suddenly show up totally differently. It was a delight to see how that realization freed her to believe that she could show up as her and have a seat at the table. While she still questions herself in the broad sense, she says that she feels that she has a right to be at the table with other executives. Combined with her thinking differently about herself, we have also started to incorporate parts work into the discussion to understand what part of her is driving her anxiety and lack of self confidence – the purpose is that, once we can dig into that, we can start to create new stories (new neural pathways) for her to believe about herself.
#2: is a professional client who was referred to me by my former People leader. She is a qualified therapist who practiced for over 4 years, she is recently married and has taken on a new role as a Business Partner. The challenge presented to me was that she brings too much of the therapist to work and is challenged with putting the company above the employee needs. She is validated by recognition from others, high productivity and being a problem solver, all of which are pretty much absent in the role of a Business Partner! So, in my conversations with her, we’ve been uncovering issues with her new leader who triggers her because he reminds her of her mother and how she can find the balance of being empathetic but also impartial. I’ve been coaching her for 6 weeks and, suddenly, this week, she had the breakthrough that she could bring her therapeutic skills into the workplace and be the corporate steward she needs to be. She has been able to change her thinking from believing that the 2 have to separate to understanding how she can leverage her innate empathetic nature and skills as a therapist, to the benefit of being a Business Partner. She is also familiar with Partswork so it has been interesting to explore that aspect of her personality and how that is influencing her thoughts and ‘stuckness’.
As I reflect on #2, I had been feeling that some of the threads of our conversation were repetitive but, in writing this, I’m reminded of how long it takes to change thinking and behavior and that ‘neurons that fire together wire together’ so, in fact, the repetition has been helpful and brought us to the enlightenment we achieved just this week.
Understanding the stages from pre-contemplation to termination (although I have to admit that I am very conflicted with the concept of termination – I’m not sure it’s ever over, it’s simply that you become better at managing it to the point that it is no longer a focus) has helped me, as a Coach, to understand where my clients might be at. My nature is to move quickly and reminding myself how long things can take for others is imperative to me being an effective guide and partner on their journey.
I haven’t had the opportunity to incorporate nature into #2 as we do video conference which doesn’t lend itself to incorporating nature. With #1, we did go on a hike a couple of times but, as Amanda said, they were not formal coaching sessions so I wanted to maintain that boundary between friend and coach. What is interesting is that, from a personal point of view, I notice how differently I approach conversations where guidance is sought from a friend. I think I have become more curious and less opinionated – historically, I would have given advice and an opinion, now I tend more towards asking questions, unless I’m directly asked what I would do. I guess I’ve created my own neural pathways! -
Summary post:
I just used Partswork today with a client and it was amazing to watch her unfold. It’s so true that once you can break into the concept and understand how the/what parts are reacting to situations, the problem(s) become so much more manageable. I remember how desperate I felt when I was there and the power of having Lauren guide me thru’ the fear and helplessness to a place of empowerment and resolution, simply by understanding what was underneath my feelings and who was driving.
I also used my mantra as an example to my client today which was an interesting experience. She was triggered by the word as she’s not a Buddhist but once she reframed it to be a ‘positive affirmation’ she could move forward. A couple of her parts showed up loud and strong today and she acknowledged that it’s been a long time since she’s created any space or awareness around them. It was powerful to see her sit with that realization and lean into wanting to explore it more.
In reading Lauren’s post, I hadn’t really considered the possibility of Partswork being intrusive but it’s given me food for thought. I have been passionate about how strongly it resonated for me and therefore how much I want to use it in my service to others but, it reminds me that this isn’t about me, it’s about meeting the client where they’re at and, that might not be Partswork at the outset. What a great realization – thank you! -
Response to Lauren:
First off, your post was hilarious and, like you, took me right back to the Starhouse!
I remember working with you like it was yesterday and I remember my experience with Michael vividly. Partswork is powerful stuff and shows up in ways, I think, that we’re not even aware of so, to have a skillful Guide who can bring this to your attention and partner with you while working thru’ the challenges is like nothing I’ve ever experienced or witnessed before.
I appreciate your observations around how strong my Judge and Child are – I don’t think I’d realized the strength of the child before. I know that I feel very responsible as a daughter but don’t think I’d quite grasped how strongly she guides my, almost, every decision.
Your observation that Partswork can be intrusive really resonates and I don’t think I have been able to find the right word previously but I agree with you,. I can feel intrusive without trust. We are fortunate that we have that trust built up but how interesting to consider that, without trust, it could feel intrusive to a new client. I wonder how to position it in a way that feels supportive, before you’ve had the luxury of building trust. -
Response to Amanda:
Congratulations on being perceptive enough to realize that in changing locations you were able to create a safe space for the Little Boy part to show himself!
I also appreciated how you created the three-way conversation, through Soul. It’s an interesting concept that everything goes thru’ Soul and that there is no judgement, just openness and support from Soul. You also mentioned that the Escape Artist remained very present and I wonder what tools your client might leverage to ensure that, while protective, that part doesn’t dominate to the point of suppressing the Little Boy.
One of the skills I have always seen in you, from early on in our course, is your ability to ask the question ‘how does that serve you’ – there’s an intuition in your coaching when you ask that question that I still have to learn; it’s such an important question because it can change the relationship the client has to that part. Instead of seeing it as hostile, the relationship can be turned around into one of understanding. Again, I really appreciate the intuitive nature with which you ask this question. -
Summary post:
Change is hard! We have years, decades of rewiring to do and sometimes we might not even know what we need to rewire.
The 5 stages resonates strongly with me as I am personally quick to move thru’ the planning stage to action and I believe that, as a Coach, to have a client who sits in planning for an extended time, will be a challenge for me.
I’ve appreciated the points of view shared by others in terms of the humility around how things might turn out and the willingness to just be with them – don’t be more invested than your client!
I thrive on change and believe it’s essential to our evolving lives but, equally, have a much deeper understanding of why it’s hard and how it manifests, sometimes without us even being aware (pre contemplation). I’m excited to continue using this knowledge to help people live their best lives. -
Response to Taylor:
“Feeling overwhelmed also is something to work with in exploring existing beliefs around overwhelm and working to play with what it would look like (with the support of a coach) to choose calm”
How you posed the concept of exploring existing beliefs around overwhelm resonating so strongly with me; it’s a question I often ask “what does that mean to you” because you will literally get a different answer from every person you ask and it creates permission for that person to articulate their world and reality.
I also like ‘choose’; we, more often than not, forget that we have a choice in almost everything. I’ve been reading quite a bit recently around the concept of choosing to stay in a bad place because it’s familiar (I’ve always called it comfortably uncomfortable). It’s so true that we default to what we know and that it takes consciousness, awareness and a ton of work to move away from discomfort and into the unknown, knowing that it could be worse but could be better.
While you’ve posted in theory, I appreciated how clearly you appear to understand the principles and am excited for you to apply them with a client. When do you think that will happen for you? -
Response to Sandy:
This was like reading a bad romance novel!
In reading your response, it seems that you are very accepting of the decision she’s made – am I reading that right? What would/will you do if/when she comes back to you and says she’s made a mistake?
I appreciated your insights into the stage she might have been at in terms of contemplation vs action and perhaps how, as her coach, you might have misread her intentions; so easy to do! I guess at the end of the day, you were there for her, created the space for her to work thru’ a lot and while the outcome might not have been as expected, maybe you created the exact space she needed to get to that outcome and perhaps move into a healthier relationship…
I wonder how you felt as a Coach having spent 7 months working with her towards what might have felt like a goal only to have her go back to a relationship that she’d spent months talking about all the ways it wasn’t right? This is where, as a Coach, I find it challenging not to get more invested in the outcome than my client – did you find that hard? -
Initial post:
The concept of rewiring the brain to develop new habits and ways of beings is not complex to understand, the deep and hard work is in the doing! So much of neuroscience makes sense and so many of these readings explain it in a really digestible way, a way in which I can also explain it to my clients.
As a Coach, I like to use the KISS approach (keep it simple stupid) because I believe it makes it understandable and when something is understandable it becomes doable. How do we explain the enormously complex thing that is the brain and its wiring? On top of that, the concept that we’re pre-wired by genetics, DNA and moulded by influences from even before birth – mind blowing!
So, in my sessions, my personal preference is to incorporate all my learnings without necessarily calling out specifically that we’ll work with one modality.I’m in the fortunate position to have been asked to coach the direct report of my former People Leader. This is a sensitive relationship as my former PL is paying me so she’s the client but her employee is also the client so I was very careful to set clear boundaries about confidentiality and under what circumstances I might provide feedback to my PL. I was also clear that I would not provide any feedback to my PL without first sharing it with my client – a fine line to tread.
I’ll use today’s session as it’s my 4th session with this client and I’ve noticed a pattern with her of both a lack of self worth and a deep need for external validation. She’s newly-married, in her early 30s and was a licensed therapist for 5 years, working with low to non-functioning individuals. She is now in Silicon Valley in a fast-scaling start up and learning to be a Business Partner. Her biggest challenge, as her boss sees it, is that she is finding it hard to transition from being the employee advocate to the corporate steward, usually taking an employee’s point of view over the best interests of the company.
In our previous sessions, she’s talked about the leader she supports as triggering her in a way which reminds her of her mother – enter Partswork stage left! We’ve talked about this peripherally in our sessions but I’m sensing an unwillingness in her to open this discussion, even though I know that having a better understanding of what triggers her will help her to manage it real time. I’m confident we’ll get there in the next couple of sessions. She is also looking for a very direct style of coaching as her own style is to fix and move on so asking questions which generate awareness and learning while helping her to feel that she’s achieving something is also challenging.
As it relates to this topic, she is a classic example of having to rewire her thinking and behaviors; she’s used to being a problem-solver and a doer, both by nature and in her career however, this new role requires a very different skillset to which she is struggling to adapt. She’s trying to understand how to succeed and feel valued without necessarily receiving the external validation she’s used to. She has issues around the concept of being ‘an equal’ and how to coach someone she perceives to be superior to her and she’s finding it a challenge to be more consultative than directive.
The gift to me is that, as a trained therapist, she understands the concepts of neuroscience and is experienced in human behavior so having conversations and helping her to create her own awareness is, I believe, much easier than working with someone without that foundation. I’ve talked to her about tools she can use to manage her triggers – at this point they are not out in nature, per se, but they are nature-based. It can be challenging to coach someone virtually who is in a corporate environment and can’t get outside but, I believe that in the future I may be able to do a live session and I’m excited to see how that might transform her thinking. I notice that her IM is pinging all the way thru’ our session and can see her being distracted by it – something I’d like to work on with her to benefit not just our sessions but all interactions she has with others who should be her whole focus.Because change takes time and willingness, I know that I can’t expect to see change in 4 sessions but I am already seeing her awareness develop. I think she’s in a contemplative state around how things might look different but isn’t yet there in terms of how to do it. Her natural tendency is to provide solutions to others and, if I were to speculate, I think she’s looking to me to tell her how she can do things differently and what to say. I’m deliberately holding back, knowing it will take longer and potentially cause her frustration based on her preference towards action but also being confident that the constant requirement for her to voice her own thoughts and my reflections, will create a stronger and longer term change.
I love that we had the opportunity to understand about the change process at a deeper level because, for me personally, it has given me the ability to build a patience around how and why it is so hard. I believe that this will make me a more effective coach to my clients in supporting their own change processes.
-
Response to Amanda:
Obviously, we’re writing these long after the module and with the benefit of getting to know each other on a really personal level, however, when I read your post, it resonates deeply with what I know about you. Your deep care of the planet coupled with your own struggles with finding meaning in your life. As a generalization, I think that the most effective and impactful coaches come from a place of understanding what their client is experiencing and in you selecting these 2 populations, I have no doubt that you will not only resonate with their challenges but be able to guide them to achieve fulfillment (while at the same time learning things about yourself, which all the best guides do!)
I’m excited for you to watch you serve these people.
As you say, I’m curious to see how you will identify them and reach out to make those connections. -
Initial post:
I am reflecting back on the session that I had with Lauren on site. She was in discussions with her sister about collaborating on running a gym. She was feeling very excited about the prospect of working with people who are focused on health and wellness. This business, in contrast with her current role, would also afford a better lifestyle for her and Angelina, not working weekends and nights and not working 20 hour days; she would have a more focused, balanced and organized lifestyle.
Our focus for this session ultimately became how to navigate her resignation which was causing her a lot of anxiety: guilt around leaving, severing the working relationship while preserving relationships, confidence in how she would communicate her decision, notice period and pressure to stay. Through the discussion, she identified that she needed to feel confident and articulate going into her resignation meeting.
So, after we identified the deeper need, we separated and each created a plan for how to approach the situation and then came back together to discuss it. Lauren really liked my plan and there were a number of areas where I saw opportunity:
1. going forwards in a longer term coaching relationship, we could use the concentric circle exercise
2. PARTSWORK: Lauren’s confidence tends to get undermined when she’s triggered so how could we understand what part of her that is, how can we develop awareness around those triggers and what tools could she put in place to guard against them, practice responses and look into her past were she’s been challenged but she has prevailed (data works for her) and proven to herself that her instincts were correct
2a. something she identified for herself was the importance of speaking her own truth and not owning others’ reactions – how can she prioritize what she wants while co-existing with someone else’s journey
2b. she created a mantra “any decision I make with my heart is the right decision”
During our discussion, she wants to develop a practice for feeling more confident in herself while also exploring the part of her which lacks confidence. We discussed the need to create a way to change this and work on neuroplasticity.
There was another clear opportunity to work on a part which was perhaps related but perhaps not, to the confidence challenge – her ability to get comfortable with seeing herself as successful. We discussed her having a virtual High 5 or going to a place she loves (sunset cliffs) to congratulate herself (“this feels ridiculous!”). She recognized that while words of affirmation make her uncomfortable, she does value them and need them, but they must be genuine. Again, this is an opportunity for Partswork – what part needs it and what part rejects it?
Finally, we discussed whether, in fact, her anticipation of reactions was even fair – is she projecting opinions and reactions that aren’t there? Again, we came back to this likely being triggered by her own guilt and sense of obligation to others and she asked the question ‘how can I put myself and my needs ahead?’.
In the time we had, we focused on addressing the immediate need which was to create a plan for her resignation, in which she felt confident. However, as a Coach, there were many opportunities, as noted above, to explore those parts of Lauren that create blockages to her forward movement, to generate awareness of triggers which cause her to doubt herself and tools which she can use to increase her confidence in the moment.
This session actually flowed very easily and we did not encounter challenges. However, I could see that partnering with someone who was not versed in nature connected coaching might be resistant, or find the concept of parts hard to grasp, initially. Introducing Partswork, per se, isn’t that hard but asking someone to talk to a tree while imagining it’s their father, might be difficult to lean into! As a Coach, I would likely be gentle in this approach and even make a bit of a joke that it could feel odd but to throw caution aside and see what happens.
So, as I think about future meetings around these topics, I would likely use a tool which Michael used with me – have Lauren identify something in nature with which she could have a conversation and then invite her to have a conference with her parts, as they show up. Personally, while this sounds strange on paper, when you’re in the moment, the ‘something in nature’ you select becomes the person you’re addressing. I would work with Lauren outside so that she could find a comfortable and safe space and have the dialogue she needs to have with the third party but also her parts.
As it relates to how Partswork and Nature Connected coaching interface, I see them as pretty symbiotic. I don’t think that they always have to be but having experienced it myself, I found it to be a very non-threatening way of being able to have a very difficult conversation with someone who wasn’t there. I had the physiological reaction to the conversation, as if my father were there, and I felt so much lighter after. I see Partswork as an opportunity for someone to have a conversation which they may never have with the person but at least can voice their feelings in a way which feels empowering and perhaps lays the groundwork for future conversations. I believe that once you’ve been able to say the words, something inside shifts and hopefully gives that person the confidence to believe that, at a minimum, a conversation/change might be possible. -
Lauren:
– You were so vulnerable to share how you were triggered by her introject (?) that she couldn’t have love and be a successful careerwoman. I’m curious if you have reflected on which part of you was triggered and why, knowing that, as you say, this is also the demographic you have chosen to work with?
– I share Kaity’s observation around the empathy you demonstrated in your follow up email, especially given you were challenged on a number of levels (concrete table, can’t have love and…). As Coaches, it’s our responsibility to remove all judgment and to create that safe space for our clients to explore and learn; you clearly did this and helped her find tools to express herself privately and perhaps more fully
– The way you created ‘homework’ and the opportunity for the next session was so subtle and encouraging. There was no instruction, just invitation. I know that you are an achiever and a doer so kudos for being so supportive and non-directing! Was that easy for you or did you find a need to edit your email to ensure your language was that way? -
Kaity – I read your post and a couple of things really stood out to me:
1. the deep listening your demonstrated by hearing your client’s language around her former self and future self and, how you took that information, digested it and suggested a way she could connect to her future self. That was amazing! Certainly it seems that it was unconscious language that might be contributing to some of her current challenges. I would be curious to know if you are able to do this with all clients or if it is a result of the deep trust and knowing that you’ve built over the year with Mandy
2. the deep empathy that you seem to have held for Mandy – you understood her health issues and how they may factor into her efforts to step into coaching full time but you also helped her get to her want and deeper need. Your language is wise and I can only imagine gave Mandy courage to be vulnerable.