[Nadine]

INITIAL POST
My goal was to meet with an existing client I have been working with for several months but it has not been possible to find a time in the last couple of weeks. So I am left to imagine and to plan what our next session will be, and how I will be bringing long term coaching to our conversation. In many ways, long term coaching is what I have been doing with my client from the start, without having openly said it and never formalized it.

It only took a couple of sessions with my client back in October to identify her bigger need. When we first met, my client was very much in the contemplation stage, as she was considering transitioning out of a career she has been holding for 15 years. When we started, we used to meet weekly and our 90mn-sessions were very full and vibrant. The client became quickly very clear about her bigger need, which allowed her to jump wholeheartedly into planning. Now the client is in full action stage, walking towards her vision one step at a time. Covid did put a winkle in my client’s short term plan in terms of implementation, but my client has repurposed her energy in other ways that support her long term plan. We are no longer meeting as often but we are keeping a quasi monthly cadence, which is what seems to be needed to support my client. I would not be surprised to see our coaching-client relationship continuing on as an as-needed basis for months to come. My client is very driven, very resourceful, and very much in touch with her true Self. She also has given herself a 5-year deadline to create a new career for herself. The reality is that a lot could happen in 5 years. To start with, the unplanned Covid and BLM movement have happened and are happening, and impacts on people’s life, financial, emotional, psychological, and on their future may or may not be obvious yet. But it is a reality and in such times, it would be understandable and easier to slow down, quit, or no longer seeing the point. So support our clients during these times will be crucial, to remind them why they wanted to do that in the first place, and to continue to be their biggest supporters.

When I meet with my client, I will want to do an assessment of where she is in light of the last 3 months, to understand if her vision, goals, intentions,and motivation have changed. I do know how I will pull this off 😉 but my intention is to use the Transformational Learning Model in order to provide a structure to follow.

Because my client in many ways is still mostly doing well and in action, what I plan on proposing is a maintenance and tune-up coaching plan with a set number of one-on-one coaching sessions for six months, including unlimited support via email or text messages. My goal is to continue to support my client and help her stay on course, to hold commitment for her, to discuss the necessary adjustments to the plan or the vision, and very much supporting my client to navigate life’s uncertainty and not lose sight of her North Star . After the expiration of the six month program, we would review where she stands, where she wants to go, how deep the gap is, and she could then opt to renew with another 6-month coaching maintenance contract or explore other options such as a more intensive coaching program with weekly or bi-weekly calls.

[Nadine]

Hello Kim, Hello Kim, your post makes me ask myself, what could I do to better hold the space not for just my clients but for all the people I encounter along the way, maybe few in persons, but many virtually. Based on my perception, and in light of the Covid-19 situation, I seem to distinguish two main types of people out there. There are these amazing people performing selfless acts and choosing to be generous. Others are caught in worries and greediness and engaged in new selfish behaviors (I am noticing an increased level of littering, delivery people just not concerned about blocking the road and traffic so that it is easier to take care of what they do and may more.) Though super annoying to me, I also realize that people have different ways to deal with this novel situation based on their resiliency and their ability to cope. Often their nervous system seem to be getting the best of them. That said… who do I want to be? Judgmental? Supportive? Accepting? Compassionate? A good time to practice.

[Nadine]

Thank you Ben for sharing your experience. I was not familiar with the concept of Soul Circle, but it reminded me very much of my understanding of the Vision Council. I understand the concept of the Vision Council but for me it has been hard to connect to it, to be in communication with his “members”. That is not easily accessible to me. The Soul Circle seems much more available to me, based on your definition: A circle of people that one can turn to and check in. It seems to me that too often the client is trying to do the work on her own, and there is not much outward communication or support outside what the coach provides. I believe identifying a support system is crucial to the success of the client’s endeavor. Asking the client to identify a support system is key, and introducing the Soul Circle concept could be helpful, and letting the client define what it would be for her.

[Nadine]

That was my Initial Post

[Nadine]

SUMMARY POST

As with the Brain module, there has been deep learnings for me in this Trauma module.
For years, my strength has been to empower people. That is easy for me to get in that space and it is very fulfilling. In those situations, I feel grounded and strong, I am in control of the situation, and I have good sense to adequately push the limits for others and myself. When coaching, I have noticed times when I lost that place of strength that typically supports me.

As mentioned in my Initial Post, I had a couple clients who experienced trauma on a deep enough level where their fight or flight modes were automatically triggered, where they no longer had the ability to listen, hear, learn or open to think differently.

As a coach, I was able to successfully bring one of them to a place where learning could happen again. When contact was recreated, I asked her to remind me who had made the choices she was struggling with. I described the situation as I saw it using my own words, and brought her to see that the impossible situation she was in, was a creation of her own mind, and that she was the sole author of it. Also that her rhetoric was creating the irreconcilable gap that only she could resolve by making a different choice. The choice was hers. She could keep doing what she was doing and continue to deeply suffer or choose a different route. Even though it might not have been so apparent during the session that this was helping, magic happened in-between sessions. When we met the next day, she shared her insights and proudly told me that she “had reset her clock!” She did a 180-degree turn and she was a totally different person. What I believed helped her is the resourcing I suggested she did daily the couple weeks prior, to get her out of a neural cycle that was defeating her. Resourcing was done using past experiences but also future experiences, as the brain does not know the difference.

The outcome of my session with another client was different and we even decided mutually to sever our coaching relationship. And to tell you the truth I was relieved. The couple sessions before had gone in circles. In this last session with this client, she became defensive, assigning blame, tone of voice changed… This situation unexpectedly challenged me to the core. When I am in a situation where I feel like the client is no longer willing or able to hear, where I perceive I have lost the ability to help, instead of allowing it to be and provide the space and safety the client needs, I “freak out”.

Though the outcomes were very different, there were a lot of similarities in terms of how I reacted, who I was being when my fight or flight mode kicked in, and how it contributed to a less than optimal coaching process. One of my biggest learnings as a coach in this module is how I react in such situations, and this was a surprise to me and brought a new level of awareness. It took me a couple of months to recover.

Before being able to be there for a client experiencing trauma, I need to be able to manage my own reactions to situations where I feel lost. I have since reflected on my responsibility in the coaching call “gone wrong”. Not only my reaction did not help, but it exacerbated the situation. When I experienced my own fight or flight sequence, my frustration rose, I became more rigid and more direct, my impatience showed, I lost my sense of humor and playfulness and became serious and confused. Safety and trust for the client eroded during that time, when the client needed it the most.

I have since identified multiple triggers: client not getting something I perceive to be simple, having to repeat myself, client circumventing questions, not being able to help the client. I think it all comes down from feeling I am no longer in control of a situation and that I am lost. Again, great learning moments, though not comfortable ones. And it is now so clear that my reactions contributed to the malaise.

[Nadine]

I initially thought that trauma is not something I would encounter much in my practice because of the profile of the ideal client I will be pursuing. I have since changed my mind and I now realize that trauma is present for everyone, even for high functioning clients, but to various degrees. And for this reason it is important to recognize trauma, to be ready as a coach to handle it, and to be able to partner with the clients in the space they are in.

In my coaching sessions, I have already met trauma several times but I did not always recognized it. My experience was that coaching was no longer possible, the door to learning was closed. The client became activated outside the window of tolerance and got caught in her limbic loop. But I did not recognized it as such though the change was very obvious as she became suddenly very defensive, retreated into her convoluted stories and was no longer present. I honestly got thrown off and worse, likely experienced my own limbic loop, went down my low road, thus experienced my own trauma. Instead of creating safety for the client, I may have doubled down on the coaching, I became more rigid. I got lost, and that is likely what triggered my own trauma.

In addition to not reading well the client state, I did not read my own state. I was just witnessing the sudden degradation of the coaching relationship, which I was trying to control to get back on track.

In one of the Toolbox Integration webinars, Mandy distinguishes resourcing, being a safe place to drop into to come back into the present moment, from bringing back a client experiencing serious trauma. The latter requires more of a directive approach, the client is asked to describe with words the environment s/he is in. Using language and description re-engage the pre-frontal cortex and will help get out of the limbic loop.

Though super uncomfortable, there were a lot of learnings for me in these situations, and taking the time to reflect back on it was crucial for my growth as a coach. Among other things, I have to learn to radically trust (to use Mandy’s term) that the client is in her own perfect process of change and that it is not for me to fix. I also have to learn how to not take it personally, not get thrown off by their stories, and to let go of my expectations to deliver a good coaching session. Instead my responsibility as a coach is to hold a space that is open in a playful way, and that is safe. I also have to be cognizant of my triggers and know my resourcing so that I do not go down the low road myself.

To support the client in trauma situations requires the coach to provide even more support and safety. It is vital to fully appreciate the bigness of the situation and to be sensible that it will be very difficult for the client to be in the present moment during the trauma experience. It is not my role as a coach to get somewhere but to make it possible for the client to come back into the present.

[Nadine]

SUMMARY POST
There is so much this module has taught me, and not only from a coaching perspective but about me, my brain, my mind, my thoughts, my patterns, what I do with them, my triggers, who I am when I get triggered, how all of that shapes my life, how they limit me. This new level of awareness is helpful and scary at the same time as it transfers the ownership back to me. And I am noticing I am not always willing to take it. These first hand experiences give me an appreciation that the work involved when one wants to change is really not easy. Even for those who have some awareness and knowledge of the brain, it takes commitment, dedication, care, and a great deal of patience and nurturing. That point needs to be fully recognized. As uncomfortable, humbling and painful as these last couple months have been for me in terms of coaching, it has led to great insights. It has informed me about who I am when I coach, and my current limitations. Moreover, these struggles are not specific to my own journey and it is safe to assume that the clients will go through similar processes. Going through it personally is helping me be a better coach, and better support them through their growth.

[Nadine]

Thank you Ivy for your post. I really appreciate how you have labelled the process of change Sheri was referring to. “Being touched by the idea of coaching through the years (contemplation) but taking your time at committing to a program (planning) and doing the program with the label “nature connected coach in training (action)”. I can relate to this as well, and for me the organic process started years ago, in the 1990s even.

In 2000 I applied for a coaching for executive position, they really wanted me, but my resume also landed on the desk of a software engineering firm who made a very appealing offer quicker, so there I went… and here I am, down that route for 20 years, navigating a world that was foreign to me and that I never fully understood.

The thoughts of becoming a coach stayed with me for years. I was never fulfilled at work but the situation was comfortable enough, I performed very well, I was enjoying myself, and being well paid. Then one day, late 2018, it became truly unbearable, and this was the breaking point for me. Another reorg parachuted me into a very frustrating position, and it became truly difficult. I had lost all no joie de vivre, patience, positivity… The doc wanted to put me on depression med and was ready to refer me to a shrink. There was no way!! And this is when I realized it was time for me to take back ownership of my Life.

That is when I decided to commit to EBI, and to move into action. When I enrolled into the program, I remember stating that I was committed to not making my situation better at work, because I was afraid that if it did, I would take the path of least resistance and stay. Since, things have gotten better at work and I am noticing that my mind does go “places”. To stay in the game, it takes revisiting, recreating, recommitting to my Vision. And the Vision has to have more weight, be more rewarding otherwise it will be natural to question it. And things have matured in my head. Pursuing my next chapter with coaching should not be about trying to fix and run away from something but rather come from a place of creating what I really Love and moving forward towards a compelling Vision and act like my Life depends on it. Despite the insights and the knowledge, it takes commitment, and intentionally recommitting almost daily. My experience does provide some insights as to working with clients, to better understanding the stages of change and realize that ambivalence will likely part of the process and to give it the space to transform back into the Vision the client is trying to create.

[Nadine]

[Nadine]

INITIAL POST: My coaching relationship with Karen started in July 2019, she is my first client, we have met three times prior but on an irregular basis because of schedule conflicts. We used to work together but she quit her job about 2 years ago, tired and wanting to have the freedom to do the things she wanted. Her coaching theme has been constant from the beginning of our conversation: she doesn’t feel like she is using her pre-retirement as she had expected, in a productive way. Meanwhile in 2019, she traveled for weeks throughout the USA, has gone on dozens hikes, had a particular attraction for Mt St Helens and is now enrolled to be a guide on the trails there, is volunteering with the Red Cross and got some certification, was selling cheese at an open market generating $400 each time, has many friends and see them regularly, reconnected with old friends, have family and friends visiting her and staying with her at her home for days at a time, she is back into quilting and crafting, she hosted this very creative and successfully gnome party with her closest friends during xmas, has reconnected with her biological family, and I am sure I am forgetting many more. All things she had wanted to do. Yet, she is not satisfied.
One of the first thing she said when we met during our last session (Jan 6, 2020), was that she could read to me her New Year resolution list she wrote 3 years ago, and it would be the same. She came with a lot of personal judgement into the conversation and a lot of stories.
I started the conversation by sharing the Grand Canyon story, and that it is proven and possible to recreate new neural pathways, with attention, care and dedication. It made sense to Karen. I used the simple analogy of the Grand Canyon for several reasons. The first is that I am not yet able to eloquently dive into a scientific explanations. But also, Karen has a tendency to operate from her head and I was trying to prevent taking her to that place. Lastly, the concept is easy enough to understand that way, and I know that contact is quickly broken if Karen doesn’t fully understand, she gets irritated, with herself and others.
At that point I mentioned I had blocked 2 hours for our conversation and asked her how what her timing looked like. She was fine with it.
I am noticing now as I am writing this that I did not specifically asked Karen what she wanted to get out of the conversation. What happened next is that she launched into her stories, and I tried to keep up with her, mirroring along the way using her words or mine, but it would rarely land fully so she would launch again into additional details and explanations and stories, trying so hard from her head to figure out what she could do to get it right.
I noticed that, so I ventured into an exercise and asked her to pretend it was Jan 6, 2021, and that she would pick up the phone to tell me how extraordinary her life has been in the last 12 months, what she did, how she felt, what she heard, smelled, tasted… She was game but could not really come up with much to say. Because I know Karen gets stuck when she does not fully understand the exercise, I role played it and menued a few examples. That was enough to get her to try, but few things came up. I encouraged her to be bold and creative and not be attached.
When that felt like a dead end, I shifted to a more conversational format to attempt to identify the deeper need, and Karen was right back into her stories, and me getting lost in them, feeling uneasy that I did not know how to break the cycle. Once in a while, Karen would have an insight, and proud of herself would go back to the telephone exercise and would resume the call. “I would also say…” We ended up with something like that “ I am not working, I am peaceful with the choices I make, I am healthy, and I eat and treat my body consistently, I make a long lasting difference, I go on new trips, I have freedom, I have clear plans about my future so that I can build my skills to prepare for it, and I can generate some revenue so that I don’t have to be on Medicare at 45 years old.)
At some point, and much earlier in the conversation, I could have attempted to break her cycle of judgement and her story making machine. I could have enumerated for her all the things she had done in the year 2019. In hindsight, I could have used that as a pause, a place to be with and to reflect from, and probe with questions: Do you think adding a new to do would have made the situation better? What is missing? What is the real need? Instead I let her go down the rabbit hole to try to discover what else is missing that could fill that hole inside of her.
As I mentioned, I have known Karen for several years. People looked up to Karen, she was very good at what she did, I remember Karen feeling proud and accomplished at some point in her life, specifically when she came back from the Peace Corp. We had followed her adventures for a couple of years. So during our conversation, I asked to reconnect with past accomplishments that made her feel good. I asked her to describe the feeling and to stay in that feeling for a while as it was very easy for Karen to pop out, and get back into her stories. What came up was not so much about being acknowledged, and recognized “as I thought” ;-), or leaving a legacy (she keeps saying that it is not about her) but that she felt like she made a difference in the long run, and that she felt good, proud.
This got me closer to her vision, but I was still not able to get to the deeper need. Karen came up with a bunch of things she could do to feel better about herself, such as becoming a productive member of society, mentioned her desire her to do more, to be more like those retired people that are engaged in society, helping marginalized people, do something more meaningful, she likes to be different, more hikes with higher goals (more miles, more elevation).
We ended up the call 120 mn later. Though she was complete and thanked me for the insight she had gotten, I personally did not feel like I had been on top of my game, and this feeling does not refuel me.
The next day I reflected back on my call. I could have done things differently. And what was becoming blatantly obvious is that doing more is not going to do it for her. Somehow I had lost sight of what she shared with me on her first session, and reiterated ever since, which is that she wanted to trust the decisions she is making, and not judge herself for what she does or does not do. I knew Karen was leaving the next day on a trip to North Dakota, followed by a couple weeks in California. But I called her that day and shared my insights with her. I acknowledge her deeper need and that I had missed that, and fessed up there were questions I was afraid of voicing out (I did not say it but I started to wonder how her relationship with her partner Brian might be affecting who she is being). I felt good to say it.
I suggested to Karen to add a sit spot practice to her days or go on a wander, but it will not be practical as she will be in Dakota for the next couple of weeks where the temperatures are in the negative.

[Nadine]

SUMMARY POST
As I just re-read all your posts, I am realizing how beneficial the conversation forum has been to me and how much information I am getting from it. Thank you to every single one of you who have contributed to it.

Here are my key take-aways:

Partswork, is a great awareness tool and has enhanced my coaching approach. It has allowed me to be a more empathetic listener and to better guide my client into transformational situations.

There is not a single way to introduce Partswork to our clients. It can get planned, or we can get to it organically (and when so, ask for permission). How much we need to explain Partworks really depends on where the clients are Acknowledging where they are and allowing them to move at their own natural pacing is important. As well as co-creating with our client and to let the organic process of change take place.

There is a shared concern around keeping the flow going and not disrupting the conversation when there is an opportunity to do Partswork. Each of us are developing different techniques: coming up with an assignment before the coaching session, prepping the client in advance with just enough information to get them started to identify their key parts, starting with a simplified version of Partswork and limit it to a couple of parts, no worrying about naming the parts, sharing our experience with working with parts…

My limited experience with Partswork already shows me that the concept is natural and intuitive for many of us, so adding a lot of language around may not be necessary most of the time. Instead, I will try to get to a place where the client experiences it in the moment, and to follow up by a cognitive understanding of why our systems work the way they do.

[Nadine]

In looking back through the conversations, I am realizing that my Initial Post got lost into the ether. I am re-posting.

INITIAL POST – I introduced the concept of Partswork to my client at the end of a one-hour session and said that I wanted to explore that with her in our next session. She was totally thrilled as Michael had just introduced Partswork to the NLC class that very week. We both were super excited and I could tell she could not wait to start. I asked her if she was pressed for time and she was not, so we spent a few more minutes on the topic. We started by listing the parts she was aware of, and she already had identified a dozen. I offered to interview one of her parts to give her a sense of how powerful this tool could be. She jumped into the opportunity. She was very deliberate in choosing the part to interview and picked the “I don’t wanna” part. I went down the questions from our studnet book, and as she was fully engaged, I could notice that the answers given were already providing some insights and clarity. This was wonderful to watch. She was very excited. I was amazed how easy it was for her to assimilate. We parted after a full 90 mn-session all pumped up and both of us looking forward to working on Partswork in the next session.

When the next session came, I had assumed she had gotten more information from Michael in her last NLC session but she was not able to attend. So I started the session by introducing the concept of the mandala, taking a snapshot and the repurposing of the parts. I also mentioned that there is a set amount of energy to be shared by the parts.

Reflecting back on the last week, she was thrilled to report that the “I don’t wanna” part had quieted down. She realized that part was actually acting as the role of a protector to make sure that my client was not not all about work and that it provided some much needed balance. That insight alone allowed her to maintain a steady daily practice of writing, which she had never been able to do before, as it always was seen as a chore and homework.

She reported feeling balanced, peaceful, a sense of ease, no attachment, no struggle, and no hard work. She attributed it to Partswork, which now provided a system, a way to orchestrate who is in charge, a way to give space to quieter parts. Using her words “I gave the artist some time”, “I gave the Seeker the permission to be in the forefront.” What was amazing is that my client is realizing there is something much bigger behind the need to transition into a new career, and that the Seeker is the keystone for my client’s transformational work. During the session she was becoming aware of a connection to something bigger, and she said that alone was fueling her motivation to transition even more.

She realized on her own that each part has a role and that they are all useful. My client is totally enrolled with Partswork and said that in the coming days she will keep a pulse on what parts show up when and where during the day. She said she will invite Seeker to be part of her current work to start giving her a louder voice.

During the conversation and at times answers came too quickly, I asked her what part was talking. In the process she identified a couple new parts “The resource controller” and the “Beach bum/off-grider/outdoor survivor”. And it made even more sense to her that all parts may not have been identified and that some may creep up. She will watch for that as well.

As a joke, we came up with the idea of a “coming out” party for the parts least expressed – that was funny as my client and I are both gay – and quickly realize it was a pretty good idea, and we could do some type of celebration.

It has been a pleasure to do Partswork with this client. She is amazing, connected to herself, facing her limitations with playfulness and do some of the hard work. I am very thankful to her for helping me demystify bringing Partswork in a session with a client. I do realize not all clients will be that easy. My work now is to anticipate that and get ready for it.

[Nadine]

Hello Sheri, The idea of setting up the expectation for full payment upfront is sitting well with me. I have too experienced with my longer term clients that the initial sessions are more frequent as in on a weekly basis, and that is when the clients are in contemplation or planning phases. But then moving into the action phase, by then the client has a roadmap defined, the clients “have gotten it”, or at least they might think they have, and the meeting pace is relaxed. Sometime it takes the client to run into an obstacle to call for a session. But without an established structure, and regular check points, we run the risk of losing a client who has lost the purpose along the way. And for this reason, and to remunerate our investment in the client, I would also try to get paid upfront for the cost of the whole program as defined with the client. In addition, the more skin they have in the game, the more committed the client is. So defining and customizing a program in great details with the clients is really necessary so that the expectations are understood and accepted.

[Nadine]

One of the points that I remember clearly from our May intensive training is that the long term coaching plan is really designed in collaboration with the client, and this image was strengthened in my mind when I read that your practice clients said they would be interested in as a long-term GROUP coaching, which is likely different from what you had in mind.
We might initially think it would be easier for us as coaches to have a template, or templates, we could reutilize with our different clients for simplicity and out of efficiency. But how would that work? Our clients are so different. They have different needs. They are at different stages in the process. So I am thinking, even if we have some type of shell (e.g.: intensive coaching program, maintenance program…) defining the program (services, length, etc) has to be done in partnership with the client to insure buy-in, and as you put it, there is more of a commitment.

[Nadine]

Hello Mel, I so relate to your challenge and the difficulty to get them out of their stories. I experience the same. Yet I wonder… if I had the skills and were able to ask powerful questions to get them out of their stories, is that the best thing to do? Is letting them cycle through their story helping neutralize them? Or does it enable them to stay in high state of energy by letting them relive their frustrating situations. Is there one better than the other?