mariarosagalter
Forum Replies Created
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Here is the partswork reflection I posted on the Long Term Coaching discussion:
Here is the update:
I have been working with this client for several months now, without a long term coaching plan. However, at our last session, I had suggested that partswork could be a great approach for him to work with the conflicting energies he is holding and gain clarity on what is going on in his interior landscape. I proposed that we begin partswork. He was interested and agreed that he would like to try it. To prepare for today’s session, I did some more research on Carl Jung’s use of the mandala for his own self-exploration (so awesome!), and I created a “Facets of the Self” handout that explains partswork in my own words. In the document, I outlined what the partswork process would look like and prepared my client for our first 3 hour initial partswork session. As I mentioned above, we had our initial partswork session this morning and it was so cool!!!!! He really “got it” and we were able to explore a part of himself that wants to run the show.Brief background on client: My client is a 62 year old man who is pondering his next phase in life. He describes himself as codependent, always needing to be in a relationship and terrified of being alone. Prior to the pandemic, he broke up with his latest relationship and has faced the pandemic alone. This has been incredibly difficult for him and he also sees how it has benefited him. He realizes that he needs to be comfortable being alone. He knows his need to please other so they won’t leave him is rooted in his childhood experience of being emotionally abandoned by his mother. This fear of being alone prevents him from taking healthy steps forward. He wants to create his own “playbook” and wants to learn how to express his preferences and opinions without fearing the loss of the relationship. He is very extroverted, gregarious, and loves people.
After we went through an overview of partswork, and after I had shared my mandala and my experience in creating it, he began to create his own mandala and identify his parts. We did some interview work with Soul to strengthen and bring awareness to that part prior to interviewing other parts. The part he wanted to focus on was his “People Lover” part. Through the interview process, “People Lover” saw the gifts he brings to the system, “without me, John (not his real name) would not know his neighbors”, and “I want people to feel seen”. People Lover wants to be in charge and has a hard time letting other parts experience themselves because he is so curious about people and want to feel that connection. As People Lover was speaking, he could hear other parts say that sometimes People Lover brings chaos into the system because sometimes the people he brings in create disruption and trouble. People Lover realized that he wanted to bring the “good kind of trouble” and needed help with boundaries. People Lover wanted to tell Soul he needed help discerning when trouble was good and when it was chaotic. Through the process, People Lover was able to tell this to Soul and ask for help. People Lover realized that this pattern started in childhood and because it was a childhood pattern, because he so wanted to connect with his mother and others in his life but he did not have the analytical ability to discern what types of relationships were good for him. He needed help from the rest of the system and wanted to help bring harmony to the whole. Then Soul spoke to People Lover and told him he “had his back” and would help him.
It was a very powerful experience to witness and be a part of as a guide. Later, my client went for a walk with his parts, saw a flock of geese as they grouped in formation and continued to fly in harmony. He wrote to me “Started the walk talking with all the parts as they felt needed, especially People Lover. At one point, a small flow of geese flew over, with two flying short distance ahead from the main group. As they moved away, I could see the main group catching up and flying the efficient V formation. The Soul and People Lover were joined by the other parts for a harmonious alignment, and the rest of the walk was fantastic. And cold, but I never felt alone and hardly noticed the cold.”My client is eager to do more partswork and I’m so happy he finds it helpful. I love doing this work!
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Ok, friends,
Here goes…. in response to LONG TERM COACHING and not Partswork….
I have a client who continues to make very incremental progress towards her goal of decluttering her home. She was my very first guiding client and I have been guiding her for quite a while. She is very nature-based and has a deep mystical sense of Creation. We have done a lot of good work identifying and connecting with vision and “why?”, connecting with body sensations/feelings/emotions while she works through a decluttering activity as a threshhold experience, identifying barriers/conflicting commitments (shame, family modeling, dislike for activity, emotional attachment to objects, grief and loss of grandparents death, sense of ecological and personal responsibility, prefer to be outside, not enough time, etc.), exploring different “decluttering” methods, introducing her to the stages of change, experimenting with ways of being such as “going through my boxes/decluttering is a way of caring for myself and an expression of self-love”, creating daily rituals/mantras/intentions to support her, etc. and her movement forward is still extremely slow. She simply does not like to organize, she is ashamed of her home, and prefers to be doing anything but go through the tedious activity of sorting through her things….. It is sooooo hard for her…. I sincerly wish that I had created a long term coaching plan for her right from the start. I am wondering if it is too late to press the “reset” button and co-create a coaching plan with her. I sense that a guiding plan, such as the 4 Shields model, and clear, self-identified milestones, could provide her with a “roadmap” and help her visualize her progress. And she has had progress–!!
Even if I don’t move forward with creating a guiding plan for her, I can still use the 4 Shields Model to explore where she is and how I can support her. When I look at the 4 Shields model, or “Wheel of Transformation”, (of course this also reminds me of Hildegard of Bingen’s Cosmic Wheel and Cultivating the Tree of Life illuminations… Hildegard is a 11th Century mystic from the Rhineland and her images of the Cosmic Wheel/Tree of Life are so similar to the 4 Shields or the 4 Directions it’s uncanny…. She had incredible visions and saw the earth as a globe held by the universe when people still thought the earth was flat…. and saw the universe as a cosmic egg)…but I digress. When I look at the 4 Shields Model, I can see that my client seems stuck in the South and goes back and forth between the negative traits of the South and the positive traits in the South. When I look at the model, I see that the majority of our coaching sessions have been focused on “practicing reflection” to try to move to the West, towards the commitment of doing the hard work. There are moments of self-discovery for her (West) and then small snap backs that take a while to recover from. Perhaps offering her this model as a way for her to reflect on where she finds herself in her process might be helpful. As she is in the South, we can experiment with her way forward by brining in some of the positive attributes of the direction: play, embodied sensations/emotions, spontaneity, instict, discovery, curiosity, experimentation, openness, wonder, presence, etc.
When I look at the 4 Shields Model and track my progress as I guide, I see that I am in the West, moving towards the North. I am searching for my identity as a guide, discovering the way I show up as a guide. I face the darkness of my discomfort in not knowing how to proceed with my client. I face my own shadows (lack of confidence, not being enough, seeking perfection, mistrustful). I am learning to stay in the tension of being in the discomfort. It is hopeful to see that the wheel offers the hopeful message of movement forward towards owning, manifesting, and nurturing my identity as a guide.
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Gina, David, and Leslie,
Huge thanks to your responses. David, what a beautiful job you did in presenting a long-term coaching plan to a client. I love how you used the 4 shields model as a roadmap for your client. How deeply satisfying that must have been for you. Your deep listening, insight and intuition guided to create something that was meaningful for your client. Thanks for the example!
Gina, I totally agree that our own way as coaches and the model we are familiar with and have worked with in the past is what we uniquely offer. We each have unique gifts and ways to support our clients as they navigate their change and transformation process and clients will discover us by the uniqueness of what we offer. Thanks for sharing.
Leslie, your supportive and affirming words for David and Gina are lovely to read. =)
Lastly, I realize I did not address long term coaching models…. Though I work with several clients on an ongoing basis, I have yet to put a long term coaching plan together since my work with them began before I participated in the tool box. I am eager to create a long term coaching model and will likely use the 4 shields/4 directions since I deeply resonate with that model. I also really connect with the idea of play and exploration. I would like to see where I can fit that in…. it resonates with South Sout East and South….. a time of exploring, investigating, playing with different ways of being to see which way resonates best…. I will begin working an a model that resonates for me! Thanks for the inspiration, refocus, and encouragement. I was pretty deep into the partswork in preparation for my client session today.
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The long term coaching and partswork intensive really helped me push forward in my coaching practice. I have since started creating audio meditations and visualizations for my clients through a “locked” web page that only my clients can open as a “value add”. It is super fun and so energizing! I’ve also started parts work with one of my clients and had our initial session today.
Here is the update:
I have been working with this client for several months now, without a long term coaching plan. However, at our last session, I had suggested that partswork could be a great approach for him to work with the conflicting energies he is holding and gain clarity on what is going on in his interior landscape. I proposed that we begin partswork. He was interested and agreed that he would like to try it. To prepare for today’s session, I did some more research on Carl Jung’s use of the mandala for his own self-exploration (so awesome!), and I created a “Facets of the Self” handout that explains partswork in my own words. In the document, I outlined what the partswork process would look like and prepared my client for our first 3 hour initial partswork session. As I mentioned above, we had our initial partswork session this morning and it was so cool!!!!! He really “got it” and we were able to explore a part of himself that wants to run the show.Brief background on client: My client is a 62 year old man who is pondering his next phase in life. He describes himself as codependent, always needing to be in a relationship and terrified of being alone. Prior to the pandemic, he broke up with his latest relationship and has faced the pandemic alone. This has been incredibly difficult for him and he also sees how it has benefited him. He realizes that he needs to be comfortable being alone. He knows his need to please other so they won’t leave him is rooted in his childhood experience of being emotionally abandoned by his mother. This fear of being alone prevents him from taking healthy steps forward. He wants to create his own “playbook” and wants to learn how to express his preferences and opinions without fearing the loss of the relationship. He is very extroverted, gregarious, and loves people.
After we went through an overview of partswork, and after I had shared my mandala and my experience in creating it, he began to create his own mandala and identify his parts. We did some interview work with Soul to strengthen and bring awareness to that part prior to interviewing other parts. The part he wanted to focus on was his “People Lover” part. Through the interview process, “People Lover” saw the gifts he brings to the system, “without me, John (not his real name) would not know his neighbors”, and “I want people to feel seen”. People Lover wants to be in charge and has a hard time letting other parts experience themselves because he is so curious about people and want to feel that connection. As People Lover was speaking, he could hear other parts say that sometimes People Lover brings chaos into the system because sometimes the people he brings in create disruption and trouble. People Lover realized that he wanted to bring the “good kind of trouble” and needed help with boundaries. People Lover wanted to tell Soul he needed help discerning when trouble was good and when it was chaotic. Through the process, People Lover was able to tell this to Soul and ask for help. People Lover realized that this pattern started in childhood and because it was a childhood pattern, because he so wanted to connect with his mother and others in his life but he did not have the analytical ability to discern what types of relationships were good for him. He needed help from the rest of the system and wanted to help bring harmony to the whole. Then Soul spoke to People Lover and told him he “had his back” and would help him.
It was a very powerful experience to witness and be a part of as a guide. Later, my client went for a walk with his parts, saw a flock of geese as they grouped in formation and continued to fly in harmony. He wrote to me “Started the walk talking with all the parts as they felt needed, especially People Lover. At one point, a small flow of geese flew over, with two flying short distance ahead from the main group. As they moved away, I could see the main group catching up and flying the efficient V formation. The Soul and People Lover were joined by the other parts for a harmonious alignment, and the rest of the walk was fantastic. And cold, but I never felt alone and hardly noticed the cold.”
My client is eager to do more partswork and I’m so happy he finds it helpful. I love doing this work!
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Final Reflection:
Like others, I have found this toolbox to be invaluable. I have already experienced several moments of holding space for clients who are going through a loss of some kind. Every change and new experience is a process of letting go so we can make room for something else. Sometimes the “making room” is tangible, as in the case of one of my clients who wants to get rid of things that belonged to her grandparents. Each object requires a moment of grief and loss for her. The transitions of our life are threshold moments. We move from one reality to a new one. The moment of crossing is an acknowledgement of movement which requires a letting go, a loss, a moment of sadness & grief. Ultimately, we are practicing for our final letting go, the moment we transition from our body-state to whatever comes next. There is so much meaning making in each experience of grief and loss. Its how we move from one state to the next and provides comfort in our expanding experience of the rawness of life. We become bigger as we allow more experiences to be real. This requires us to be fully present to what is–pain, sorrow,joy, uncertainty, discomfort. When we are present to what is, we can be with ourselves and others with friendliness and compassion. Pema Chodron says: “The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
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Hi All,
Thanks for all your great stories and experiences around grief. So beautiful to see you all holding space for strangers, family, self, friends, clients, etc. We are all in a grief mode right now, I think…. the pandemic sure has changed our life in the near term and we don’t know what the longer term repercussions will be. The Winter Solstice reminds us to move through darkness to rebirth–this is the natural cycle of grief and loss. We just don’t give each other or ourselves space. Our culture just wants us to disconnect from the fullness of living.Hugs to all.
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@ David,
Love your post and how you were able to be present to your mom. What a gift. How beautiful to be able to hold space for someone as self-less as she seems to be and someone you love so much. You saw her grief and indentified all the losses she is experiencing.I like the way you took her experience as an example of what a client might bring to a session. The suggestions you offered, storytelling, ceremoy, acknowledging “what is”, and connecting with hope for the future seem to allow the feelings of grief and loss to circulate and for the emotions to be seen, felt, lived with as needed. You also touched upon the importance of “pendulation”–the going back and forth by “revisiting memories” having “awareness of present moment and the reality of what currently is” so the processing of grief can move forward. How would you relate this process to “integration”?
In answer to your question for me around my perception that my client was somewhat reluctant to enter into a threshold experience–what told me he was reluctant? It was his body language, slight hesitation, and then an over eagerness as if trying to “comply” or “please”. He has codependency tendencies so I am aware that there may be times he goes along with a suggestion to please. That is his default. I try to be very careful in making suggestions so that he really knows he has choice. He is practicing a new way of being–to listen to his own internal “knowing” rather than going along with other’s suggestions. It may be that he was practicing checking in with himself and that may have been the hesitation that I sensed.
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Hi Leslie,
Thanks so much for your response to my post. What I noticed come up for me while I was guiding was thinking “Oh, wow…. I just did this toolbox”. The feelings that were coming up where confidence, quiet, peace, and ease. I felt empathy and compassion, and also was able to hold space from a grounded/centered and confident space. Because we had just been through the toolbox I had a sense of the “territory” I was in–it was familiar while unique. I could identify similar landforms and felt I could walk along side my client without needing to orient or find my footing. The strategies/concepts I used where to listen and give him space to reflect on his loss. At one point he began to cry and I reached out and gently touched his shoulder as we were walking, just so he would know I was there with him in his pain. It seemed that by creating a big enough silence, he was able to tap into the “bigness” of his own experience.I’ve been reading The Untethered Soul also. And, to me, “loosing” one’s sense of God reflects a shift in our image/perception of God–this disorientation can be a gateway to a much greater image of the Sacred. With my client, his previous concept of God is no longer working for him because his life experiences are revealing a different reality. A new image is forming–perhaps a much larger/expansive understanding of the Mystery. It will be interesting to see what this new image will be for him as he works through his “un-decomposed” grief. However, I also realize that we are never really done grieving but our relationship with our ability to grieve changes. We can hold ourselves in our grief and allow it to flow through us rather than rejecting it to avoid the discomfort. Likewise, we can hold ourselves in unknowing and discomfort and BE in it/with it–allowing the emotions/feelings to move through us, like a mountain remains present to the movement of the weather. The mountain IS, it’s the weather that changes. I think we are all trying to understand/connect with that “ISness” within our selves.
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Initial Post:
I had a super ineteresting session with one of my clients a couple of weeks ago where he identified grief and loss as a barrier to moving forward. This is a client who is in his early 60s and working on detaching from a self-described codependent relationship attachment style. As he contemplates his next decade which includes some version of “retirement”, he wants to ensure he has his own “playbook” to guide him. He wants to live with purpose and wholeness as he moves forward to the next phase of his life. He is very visual with his images/metaphors and sees the next 10 years as a puzzle. He wants to identify the puzzle pieces he wants to put into his puzzle. He is currently single and being alone is very uncomfortable for him.
His goal for our session was to explore spirituality as he sees it as a foundational piece of his puzzle. During our session, he shared that his concept of God has changed dramatically and that now he no longer feels any connection to Spirit. As his younger self, God was perceived as “participatory”. Now he sees God as a disengaged “observer”. His life experiences of hardship, cancer, and loss of relationships have made him question who/what God is. As we continued to explore this, he identified barriers and the need to “clean house”. There are things in the way and he “can’t even open the door for the experience of God to come in.” As we walked in the forest, he used the image of “deadfall” to describe the obstacles and that his normal way of dealing with these obstacles is to “skirt around them”. As we walked, he saw all the deadfall in the forest and connected to the natural process of decomposition–“deadfall decomposes to nourish the soil and turns granite into life-giving soil”. He realized he wanted to “decompose the deadfall that stands in the way” of reconnecting to his spirituality. He wants to be a source of nourishment for others and self.
Since we were standing in a forest full of deadfall, I asked permission to guide him through a threshold experience. I sensed some reluctance, however, he agreed and gave permission. I asked him to look around at the deadfall and see if he could identify what obstacles the deadfall represented. As we began to move through the deadfall, he recognized his pattern of walking around it, rather than facing the deadfall. He’s never “walked toward the deadfall”. So instead of the normal pattern of walking around, I invited him to walk toward the deadfall. As we stood in front of one of the many fallen trees in the area, and began lifting our feet to walk over the deadfall, he recognized that he had never mourned his parent’s divorce when he was 4, the death of his mother, his divorce, nor the death of his ex-wife. He was never show how to grieve and by consequence, he had never allowed himself to feel these great losses–he had skirted around them. We continued to move through the deadfall, walking over it, as he began to connect with his story of loss. As he talked, he began to cry, the emotions welling up. He understood how important it was for him to face the grief and allow himself to feel. The rest of our session was focused on holding the grief, listening to his memories, creating space for him to feel whatever was flowing through.
At the end of the session, he asked for resources around grief and loss and decided he wanted to move forward with:
–naming the deadfall by going on a nature wander
–beginning a grieving process
–connecting with feelings around these lossesI have not reconnected with him for our next session. However, I did send him many of the resources we were given at our toolbox. It was pretty amazing that I had this session right after our toolbox…. I felt prepared to move through this experience with him. Nature was very present and offered him so many metaphors to help him identify and process his obstacles.
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Hi Leslie,
I appreciate what you noticed about your client, “she automatically started looking for other potential alternatives to her challenges that she had not thought of”–her Reticular Activating System is searching for what will support her growth and wellbeing…. Somehow her threshold experience created an intention and now her brain is sifting through extraneous information to find what will most support her. Wow!=)
Maria
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Summary Post:
I continue to be in awe of how we activate our deeper knowings when we move into the PFC through nature experiences…. Nature’s voice is so present and this different way if tuning in seems so Natural (!). I appreciate how this wisdom meanders through our client’s experiences. It is an honor to read through the posts and see this magic at work. It is an honor to be present to our client’s own meanderings and knowings.Ahhh…. what a blessing we experience together.
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Thanks, David, for both your answer to my question above, and for your thoughts about where my client is on her change process. First, about my question. Agreed! I was just surprised that this particular group would think that by understanding the science we are somehow diminishing the presence of Mystery. I love your wisdom…
As far as my client, she continues to make strides in self-awareness. I would say she is teetering on the edge of contemplation and preparation, sometimes flirting with action. We’ve met once more since the session I referred to and she has hit a bit of a pause (totally understandable because of the rise in COVID and the elections!). However, even though there is a pause in the activities of clearing out her house, she made an incredible connection. She now sees her house as a “playground” in which to “practice” her detachment from her old stories. Wow!!!!! Now her whole experience of clearning out her home is a threshold experience in which she gets to practice her new “mythic image.” She blows my mind. She shared that she recently accidentally broke a coffee mug that was given to her as a gift. In the past, this would have been distressful. She was able remain non-reactive and detached–no big deal to break the coffee cup.
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Hi David and Leslie,
I loved reading your posts. Thanks for sharing. I love the conversation.
David, I was psyched to read how your client used the metaphor and symbolic meaning of the blue jay to anchor her experience and that you seized the moment to have her create a ritual. “Having a ritual is so important because it turns ideas into felt experiences and these felt experiences become memories which become neural pathways.” I love the way you connect this to the new neural networks that are formed everytime we practice the new way of being. Beautiful. I had an interesting experience with some fellow spiritual directors and I’d love your thoughts since you refer to “Why God Won’t Go Away”. When I talked about how we are supporting our clients to create new pathways in the brain, I got some push back around keeping the mystery in the equation and letting God be part of the process–as if brain function is somehow diminishing the power of mystery. Have you ever experienced “push back” from more traditional religious people when the science of the brain is explained? I was quite taken aback by the comment and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Leslie, I loved what you did with the guided wander! Using the natural environment to explore the different worlds/points of view is a wonderful idea. It is very somatic and creative. It definitely activates the PFC. I am curious to see how this new insight supports your client as she moves forward. How do you think this new insight will support your client?
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Initial Post:
One of my current clients has had a HUGE breakthrough. This client has been trying to overcome her feelings of shame around her messy/cluttered house. She has been trying to declutter for several months and has been running into her old patterns and stories. The session before last, she was able to identify the greater want and need. The situation with her house has caused her loss of romantic relationships and loss of social life because she is too embarrased to have people over. At our second to last session, she explored two parts of herself, her “impatient speaker” and her “compassionate speaker” who both offered her wisdom and advice. The “impatient speaker” inviting her into liberation from her attachments to her things so she can live the life she wants, and the “compassionate speaker” offering her compassionate support “decision making is hard” and “there are so many other fun things to do”. This conversation between these parts led her to connect with her family patters around being organized “I haven’t been taught to organize. I recognize some things I struggle with have been modeled. These were the habits I was raised with. The skillset of organizing is foreign and not intuitive.” We then explored what is currently intuitive for her: “piling things up, put things in a box, put it in a room, and forget about it”. We asked each speaker to offer wisdom as to how to approach moving towards her goal of having the home she envisions. Each offered compassionate advice and wisdom, which led her to identify her big need:”I need to get rid of a bunch of junk to make space in my life, both literally and metaphorically”; and her want: “I want to find a life partner and have a family. I want to make room in my home to be a more hospitable space for people.” This was the first time she had been able to clearly identify the longing in her heart.
This clarity led her to huge movement forward–a domino effect that dismantled her feelings of shame and her old stories. The progress she has made towards her goals is remarkable. She has been able to ask for help from her friends who have helped her sort through things. She has been able to donate household items. AND she discovered an ally in herself, her “teacher” self who keeps her accountable. Her shifts in beliefs and self-perception include:
–moving past shame and fear of judgment either from self or others
–asking for help in vulnerability without hiding– “this is who I am, take it or leave it”
–releasing the burden of having to do things “perfectly”
–finding in herself a part that keeps her accountable to the task at hand–“the teacher”
–moving into the action of sorting and donating
–beginning to visualize the space/home you want for herselfDuring the session, I explained the transformation that was ocurring in her brain each time she practices these new skills and ways of being. To reinforce the “teacher” part that has been so helpful to her as an inner resource, I invited her to ask the “teacher” what her next steps could be. Since we were outside, and there was a gate conveniently in front of us, I asked her to become the “teacher” as we walked through the gate and I asked permission to interview the “teacher”. First, she gave the “teacher” permission to give advice, and then we entered the threshold (literally!). As “teacher” she was able to clearly identify next steps without judgement. Her “teacher” loves to create action item lists. As “teacher” she was able to identify obstacles, be focused, pragmatic, don’t have to be perfect, be more realistic about her choices, and committed to getting the job done.
After the threshold experience, I had her reflect on what it’s like to exercise her “teacher” part. She said, “It’s like I’ve discovered a new muscle to exercise.” I explained how every time she uses the new ways of being (not ashamed, focused, committed, etc), she is creating new pathways in her brain.
She left energized and more internally resourced to move forward with an overwhelming task that has consumed her for a long time. What a gratifying session this was!
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Summary Post:
Thanks to all of you who engaged in the discussion! I LOVE partswork. I love the creativity and playfulness of the process and how profound and insightful it can be. This is definitely something I want to continue to use with clients. I recently had the opportunity to facilitate a StrengthsFinder group workshop and I used the “parts” concept to explore the different strengths of the individuals in the group. Parts are like our internal ecosystem–like the “Wood Wide Web” of roots, mycelium, bacteria and other unseen critters and entities that exist underground that transport nutrients back and forth in a symbiotic relationship within the system. Though we only see what’s above the surface, there are many hidden parts that contribute to the wellbeing or dis-ease of the whole. As we discover the needs and wisdom of our parts, we can consciously activate the parts that align with our Soul’s direction & desires, and consciously invite the parts that, though once useful, no longer need to be activated.
As I move forward with my coaching practice, I see how powerful this can be for clients even in an “informal” way. Understanding parts helps me identify shifts in perspective or mood as my client moves in and out of a part. I can support my client as they clarify inner conflicts that reflect different internally held perspectives. This work helps my clients integrate different parts of the brain as they move back and forth between parts, creating a pendulating effect. They begin to experience that their “wholeness” includes the complexity of their different states of being. They can become compassionate observers of their Selves, listening more deeply to the wisdom that each Self brings. Like a multi-faceted mirrored globe that reflects inwardly, parts become visible, and clients can begin to see and therefore tend to their many different Selves.