[Leslie Wier]

Maria it sounds like this was a powerful experience for your client, and what a beautiful way to incorporate nature as a metaphor! I’m curious to know what you noticed come up within yourself as you were guiding him. You said you felt prepared to move through this experience with him – what did you notice within yourself that helped inform how you moved through it? How did you find yourself responding, and using what concepts and strategies?

The idea of losing God or spirituality is one that resonates with me, and is something I realize I haven’t fully faced myself. It’s so interesting to consider the variety of things we can “lose” and thus cause grief. What causes our grief is just as unique as each individual person is. The last part you mention about him needing to walk towards the deadfall – it makes me think in general of how we tend to avoid uncomfortable or negative experiences, and how doing so only serves to prolong the – they never go away when we do that. I’ve been reading The Untethered Soul at night before bed and what has stood out to me recently is the idea that allowing yourself to approach the thing that you’re avoiding is necessary in order for you to be able to then release it- and that’s the part that helps transform us spiritually. It sounds like that’s what he’s learning to do.

[Leslie Wier]

Summary Post

I think one of the biggest things that sticks out to me with this module is how we use nature as a tool or guide in partnership with how the brain works to help generate transformation for a client. The power of nature with intention is particularly important, since it’s the intention that activates or hacks neuroplasticity and helps us to avoid going onto autopilot. Everything that we do in partnership with nature activates the prefrontal cortex, getting us out of the limbic brain and autopilot. At the core of things, we are using nature to generate awareness in the PFC.

Another major concept that comes to mind is empathy. We have the wiring within our brain to create mental maps of another person’s mind, and to intentionally take their perspective. However, this is a skill that must be built by the coach, and for many people it’s something they’ve never really done before. So, coaches have to work at building the skill of empathizing with others (particularly those who are very different from them) and that requires rewiring their own mental maps. I think the more we practice intentional perspective taking, the more connected we become with the client and the easier it is to attune with them in our communication so that the client feels seen and heard. Thinking about how this process of intentional perspective taking, or intentional empathy takes place in the pre-frontal cortex, it’s interesting when we empathize with others that we tend to often take on their emotions without realizing it. So, we have to consistently be aware of our own emotional balance when we practice empathy and ensure that we don’t get hijacked by our own amygdala. It just reinforces for me how much the process of coaching is skill based.

[Leslie Wier]

Summary Post:

I think one of the biggest things that sticks out to me with this module is how we use nature as a tool or guide in partnership with how the brain works to help generate transformation for a client. The power of nature with intention is particularly important, since it’s the intention that activates or hacks neuroplasticity and helps us to avoid going onto autopilot. Everything that we do in partnership with nature activates the prefrontal cortex, getting us out of the limbic brain and autopilot. At the core of things, we are using nature to generate awareness in the PFC.

Another major concept that comes to mind is empathy. We have the wiring within our brain to create mental maps of another person’s mind, and to intentionally take their perspective. However, this is a skill that must be built by the coach, and for many people it’s something they’ve never really done before. So, coaches have to work at building the skill of empathizing with others (particularly those who are very different from them) and that requires rewiring their own mental maps. I think the more we practice intentional perspective taking, the more connected we become with the client and the easier it is to attune with them in our communication so that the client feels seen and heard. Thinking about how this process of intentional perspective taking, or intentional empathy takes place in the pre-frontal cortex, it’s interesting when we empathize with others that we tend to often take on their emotions without realizing it. So, we have to consistently be aware of our own emotional balance when we practice empathy and ensure that we don’t get hijacked by our own amygdala. It just reinforces for me how much the process of coaching is skill based.

[Leslie Wier]

Initial Post

For this discussion I’m going to use the profile of a friend who I have informally coached. She is a LCSW and is also trained as a coach. As an empath, she is heavily affected by the emotions of others. She is overworked by choice, and as a BIPOC woman is also marginalized in many ways. She has been diagnosed with a mental health disorder that I can’t remember the name of, but that often leads to “mini” manic and depressive episodes. She often experiences depression, and also has cancer. So, to an outsider her emotions can seem very intense and all over the place. We chat every day and often guide each other, and it tends to be very informal because we are close friends. However if I were to actually coach her, I would ask for explicit permission to do so and would set aside time that is dedicated solely for this purpose so that we can give it our full and undivided attention. Interestingly enough, we have both guided each other through various different losses over the years.

When I think of the Dimensions of Grief that could potentially appear, the emotions that immediately pop out in regards to this ‘client’ are numbness, sadness, emptiness, frustration, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, and panic. The Mental dimensions are preoccupation, yearning, absent minded, lack of concentration, detachment, and insecurity. She also tends to experience social withdrawal, isolation, and cries. Physically when she is experiencing difficult emotions she is fatigued and lacks energy, and also has nausea. She tends to ruminate and obsess over challenging situations, including those that involve loss. As I read through this list, I can really see that every person has a different constellation of dimensions of grief, and I think it could be helpful to ask questions that get curious about what that is for each client.

One thing that I think can help guide her through grief and loss is to help her understand the time and work that goes into the grieving process. I would explicitly focus my language on self-compassion. I would also focus on how the grieving process is healing for her, without trying to fix her. Often, all she needs is for me to listen to her without judgement, and validate what she is experiencing. I also might show curiosity about the meaning she sees in the loss and grieving process.

This client has experienced suicidal ideation in the past and has communicated that ideation to me. However, she is also very aware of it when it’s happening, and knows that she needs to seek help immediately when that’s the case. Her family typically does not understand and is judgmental when it happens, so she reaches out to me. Without judgement I tell her that she is loved and make sure that she is taking steps to be safe. This client also tends to experience sudden changes in mood, ranging from highs to depths of sadness. In this case, I would simply validate and normalize the roller coaster of emotions she experiences.

In general, I find that sitting in silence, listening with the heart (not trying to fix), responding with validation and normalizing what the client is experiencing, and riding the waves with the client rather than trying to direct them, to be powerful. I ensure that I don’t use imperatives or “shoulds” in my language, and I ask curious questions around what they are feeling and their experience. Sometimes I find that I tend to move into that ‘fix it’ mode, so I have to ensure that I’m very present and aware of my own thoughts and emotions. I create a ‘I am I’ and You are You’ barrier while being thoughtful and intentional about everything I say. Sometimes I’ll ask how I can best support the client to ensure that I am not moving into that fix it mode.

[Leslie Wier]

David, thank you SO much for your insight regarding what my client stated in severance, “I wanted to have it all figured out.” When she said that, I genuinely was not sure how to respond and felt a bit stuck for a moment. The question you posed, “what would it feel like to have it all figured out?” is a great one and I think one that could have potentially worked well for her.

Maria in answer to how the new insight from our guided wander might support my client, one thing I noticed with our next session is that she automatically started looking for other potential alternatives to her challenges that she had not thought of. Her somatic experience with the realization that there was a third option available to her that she hadn’t considered, really stuck with her and has gotten her to critically consider that possibility in other areas of deliberation, without even being prompted!

Maria what you mention about those of faith pushing back on science is interesting, and my very first thought is that this is a behavior/thought/belief pattern in and of itself that’s deeply embedded in the brains of the spiritual leaders you were speaking to. I like what David said about Nature being a manifestation of God, and I don’t think Science is any different. Science is just a different manifestation of God. But the fact that there was pushback on science as if it’s in antithesis to mystery, tells me that that sense of mystery fills a need for them. I’d be interested to dive deeper into what the full story of that pattern is!

[Leslie Wier]

Initial Post:

My practice client is a coach in training through another program, and she and I have been working together on overcoming her barriers to starting her own coaching business. Part of her wants to go all in by quitting her job and just starting now. Another part of her is concerned about her family and her husband, because he doesn’t want her to do this since it will put their security in jeopardy. She also is not confident with financial matters. So, she is often vascilatting back and forth between these two narratives, and they are reinforced by her beliefs around money.

In our last session, we spent a bit of time developing some awareness of where her concern and apprehension comes from around money. She was able to distill her narrative down to its sources and figure out why she has the mindset she does around money, however she still wasn’t sure what or how to address it. She continued to get stuck in one of the two narratives – her route , or her husband’s route. I had initially thought to have her go on a wander to see what it might reveal, but quickly realized she needed something much more structured. When we tried to dig into what her intention for the wander might be, she either responded with, “I don’t know”, or a general, “I want to have it all figured out by the time I”m done.” She was impatient and frustrated, and I instinctively felt that wandering was not the best route because she was stuck in a very specific narrative and a space of negative emotions, making it much harder for her to be open to broader perspectives, curiosity, and creativity.

Instead, I asked her to choose a space in her area outside that signified her husband’s narrative. When she got there, we explored it, how it felt, and what came up for her. The space she ended up in was full of shadow, and a swarming bees nest. She was instantly uncomfortable, and wanted to get out of it immediately – she saw the connection there to her husband’s narrative! The next space she chose was to represent her narrative – a sunny, open space that felt warm and inviting – in the same way it was very symbolic and connected to her narrative. Finally, I had her pick a third place to represent any potential options or routes she hadn’t considered yet. She had chosen a spot by the water, which she immediately identified as a space of flexibility that needed to lie between the two narratives. That was a light bulb moment for her, and a big part of it was realizing that she needed to be more aware of how these narratives were coming up in her life and affecting her in the day to day. She realized that she needs to establish a better relationship and comfort with money before she can even talk to her husband about how to move forward.

I think there are several ways this session applies to the topics we learned in Brain & Change. My client is in the process of creating a new mythic image, and as a result she’s having to make some adjustments to the stories she tells herself. The first step to rewriting the narrative, and to rewiring the pathways in her brain that reinforce those narratives, is noticing when they appear for her. What triggers her limiting beliefs around money? How do those limiting beliefs impact her? As she builds more awareness around that narrative it will enable her to be more intentional about how she responds to those triggers.

Another way this session relates to Brain & Change is in how during the session, I decided to not have her wander but instead to do a sort of guided wander. I felt that at that point, her negative emotions had hijacked her and as a result she was not in a space to effectively wander on her own. It might have been much easier had I been there with her in person, but over the phone and without video, it’s impossible to pick up on those cues in a wander that help clue you in as the guide. Since she was in that negative spiral governed by the Amygdala, expecting her to be able to use focus, creativity, and insight of the prefrontal cortex was not realistic. As I guided her through using nature to explore the different narratives, she gradually became less frustrated and more open, especially after we had quickly bypassed her husband’s narrative in the bees and shadows and came to a space that felt much more comfortable for her.

[Leslie Wier]

David it sounds like you beautifully included the education piece about the stages of change with your client, shifting from a coaching role to a bit of a different role like that of educator for a brief period. It seems like this worked pretty seamlessly for you – do you recall how you made this shift? So the words you used or how you addressed the transition? I’m always curious to know how different coaches express their different ‘hats’ with clients.

I also like the idea of going through that process of planning the threshold, then letting the client do it on their own immediately afterwards if there is no time left in the session. It gives them the opportunity to harness that energy then and there, while sticking to the time that you set together. A great way to be flexible!

[Leslie Wier]

Summary Post:

One major takeaway for me in this Partswork session is the interplay between the language we use and our parts. In considering how to use Partswork with a client, the vocabulary they use comes to mind. From our thread here a few examples are the use of “voice,” the idea of thinking and being stuck in the head, or when we say, “A part of me feels like xx.” It’s interesting to see how our parts reveal themselves in our language. Taking this deeper, when we facilitate Partswork as a coach we’re paying attention to the client’s language and when they move in and out of first or third person to give an indication of what part is speaking. I’m always looking for clues as to how to guide a client and language is a big one that I tend to pay attention to, likely due to my experience as an ESL teacher. I appreciate having a better understanding now of what is fueling that language so that I can dig a bit deeper with it to help clients develop more self-awareness.

Another major takeaway for me is just how much we are unaware of within ourselves. While we were working on our own Partswork within the intensive, I started having emotionally intense dreams that were unusual for me. It showed me how powerful our subconscious is, and the value of connecting with those parts on a more regular basis to consciously bring homeostasis to our internal systems.

Finally, I feel there’s a creativity to Partswork that appeals to me. I was chatting with a friend of mine who is a therapist and coach and she is familiar with IFS. I facilitated a Partswork intro session with her and we had the opportunity to chat more about our model of Partswork vs. IFS, which as I understand it has prescribed parts that are within everyone – as opposed to the parts that we are able to name based on our own experiences and understanding of our patterns and epigenetic expressions. I enjoy thinking about my parts in terms of my own internal mythology and interests. Like Deana’s idea, I’ve been using Partswork with tarot and oracle cards. I’ve even been connecting my own Partswork to a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m playing where my character is based on one of my parts, in an effort to connect more deeply with that part and better understand it. As a coach that likes to focus on client strengths in my coaching, I feel like the creative opportunities with Partswork are endless and can really be customized to fit the strengths and interests of an individual.

[Leslie Wier]

Response Posts

Maria what a beautiful example of using the land! It’s always so helpful for me to see concrete examples of a successful, transformative coaching session and this one in particular integrates partswork so well, so thank you for sharing it in such detail. Your summary at the end is particularly helpful for me as I struggle a bit with the structure of severance into threshold. Seeing that structure laid out in how you moved through the land helped paint a visual picture.

Gina your reflection on how you might use partswork with your client is helpful for me as I approach another session with my practice client today. This client is one in which I don’t see going too deep into partswork, but I can see weaving it into the process of developing awareness. Based on what I’m hearing it does feel like you could have asked these questions in this session! Like some of the others mentioned, I am also curious as to what made you decide not to go that route.

Deanna in answer to your question, my thought would be that the part transforms rather than dies. I think that what dies in the transformation is the previous expression of the part, rather than the part itself. David’s input on this is insightful! One thing that I learned a while ago when reading ‘The Power of Habit’ is that when we are creating new neural pathways, we don’t erase them. We write over them. So, the pathway we’re trying to change or transform doesn’t disappear entirely. Along with what David said, that pathway becomes a memory and the part evolves into the new pathway.

[Leslie Wier]

Initial Post

I haven’t been able to use Partswork with my current practice client so I decided to experiment with it with a good friend of mine who is a coach and also a clinical social worker. She has some understanding of IFS therapy, so it was interesting to compare and contrast her understanding of it to what we learned and practice in the NCC context. A little bit of background – this ‘client’ friend is a Philipino American who, in the face of the pandemic has taken on twice the number of clients she normally would, many of them being people of color who have not been able to find a therapist who meets there needs for psychological safety. She is overworked, and is also undergoing treatment for cancer while making a transition to a new living situation with her long term partner. Burnout is prevalent.

My intention with this session was to get some practice with introducing Partswork and implementing it from the very beginning of a deep Partswork practice. I first started off the session by explaining a bit about what Partswork is from the NCC perspective. I struggled with this a little bit, and found some of the examples from the Integration Webiner to be helpful in better understanding how to do this education piece. Thankfully because she had some understanding of it already, it was relatively simple to give a brief explanation. I gave her some time on the call to come up with some parts using Jamboard while she asked some questions or made comments here and there and I observed. When she felt she had reached a good place, we moved into doing interviews of her parts.

We interviewed only a couple of parts, and in doing so found that one of her parts was very present and very much needed to be heard. It was a part that has a close relationship with her current state of burnout, and in this process she was surprised to find herself developing a greater awareness of what her present needs were. We also explored arranging her Mandala in relation to how her parts have evolved over time as well as the current state of her parts. It was a creative and experimental process that she enjoyed, and I found that allowing it to flow where she needed it to rather than just focusing on only doing interviews as a first step was very helpful. I was under the impression that we had to start a Partswork practice by interviewing all of the parts first and foremost before doing anything else, but that didn’t entirely suit her and I adjusted to that accordingly. I’d like to build off of this initial session with her in some additional sessions, but I’m not entirely sure how yet.

Considering my other practice client, the best way I can see using Partswork is a little more ‘informally’. This client’s goal is to start her own coaching business, however in doing so she’s encountering some obstacles around money and finances. It’s clear a part of her wants to quit her job entirely to focus on building her coaching business, while another part of her want to do what’s financially best for her and her family. I can see Partswork coming into play here around decisional balance and exploring these pathways a little bit more. I find that I need a lot of practice with evoking awareness in face to face sessions with clients, so I am eager to bring in some of the interview questions as powerful questions in developing awareness around her challenges.

[Leslie Wier]

Summary Post

Many apologies for being a bit late with my summary post all – I’ve been feeling really rough and in a lot of pain this past week so keeping up with things has been a bit more challenging.

What really sticks out to me when it comes to awareness, and what’s highlighted especially by Gestalt principles, is the idea that awareness does not occur in a vacuum. It’s not something that a person develops by themselves in a sterile space so to speak. We develop awareness through our interactions with others, and this is where the role of coach is so pivotal. The coach is a mirror, model, and catalyst for the client’s own awareness. The more we peel back our own layers and do so in a transparent way, the more a client is able to do the same both consciously and unconsciously.

One significant lesson I’ve learned when it comes to awareness is that it’s hard to be aware ALL of the time. Our brains are designed to go onto auto-pilot or habit mode. So there are two implications with this. First, awareness is something we always have to be working on. It doesn’t stop where all of a sudden ‘we are aware’ and we don’t have to try to be anymore. We’re constantly moving in and out of awareness, so practicing how to be aware is an ongoing responsibility as a coach (’til death do us part, unless you believe in an afterlife and then I’m sure awareness takes on a whole new meaning!). Second, we need to give ourselves grace. Just like when practicing mindfulness you do so with non-judgement, so we need to be when practicing awareness in the coaching space. When we judge our lack of awareness, we continue to break contact. Awareness is simply a never ending practice.

[Leslie Wier]

@Deana you talk about losing yourself in the world and triggers of your 15 year old client and how you’ve been becoming more aware so that you can create that “I am I” and “You are You” barrier. This is something that I have noticed is a sort of rite of passage with every new coach I have worked with. You definitely are not alone! I wonder if our mirror neurons, as the basis for empathy, have a role to play in this happening. We are wired for empathy, so it can be easy to feel what the client is feeling just like yawning when someone else yawns. Interrupting that tendency is a skill in and of itself for people who are naturally more empathetic based on genes and upbringing, just like nurturing empathy is developing a skill in those who don’t normally exercise that part of their biology.

Overall reading our posts here, I’m seeing Awareness as a journey and a habitual practice in and of itself. It’s like an onion with so many layers that are peeled back over time!

(Side note, has anyone else been having problems with their posts going through when you press ‘submit’? I can’t count how many times I’ve had to submit for it to finally post it seems)

[Leslie Wier]

@Deana you talk about losing yourself in the world and triggers of your 15 year old client and how you’ve been becoming more aware so that you can create that “I am I” and “You are You” barrier. This is something that I have noticed is a sort of rite of passage with every new coach I have worked with. You definitely are not alone! I wonder if our mirror neurons, as the basis for empathy, have a role to play in this happening. We are wired for empathy, so it can be easy to feel what the client is feeling just like yawning when someone else yawns. Interrupting that tendency is a skill in and of itself for people who are naturally more empathetic based on genes and upbringing, just like nurturing empathy is developing a skill in those who don’t normally exercise that part of their biology.

Overall reading our posts here, I’m seeing Awareness as a journey and a habitual practice in and of itself. It’s like an onion with so many layers that are peeled back over time!

[Leslie Wier]

@Deana you talk about losing yourself in the world and triggers of your 15 year old client and how you’ve been becoming more aware so that you can create that “I am I” and “You are You” barrier. This is something that I have noticed is a sort of rite of passage with every new coach I have worked with. You definitely are not alone! I wonder if our mirror neurons, as the basis for empathy, have a role to play in this happening. We are wired for empathy, so it can be easy to feel what the client is feeling just like yawning when someone else yawns. Interrupting that tendency is a skill in and of itself for people who are naturally more empathetic based on genes and upbringing, just like nurturing empathy is developing a skill in those who don’t normally exercise that part of their biology.

Overall reading our posts here, I’m seeing Awareness as a journey and a habitual practice in and of itself. It’s like an onion with so many layers that are peeled back over time!

[Leslie Wier]

@gmlobito1 you are in such a challenging work space, especially during these trying times when the public opinion of the police is often not very high. I feel the skills in awareness you’re practicing from a Gestalt perspective are exactly what is needed from anyone working in public service and law enforcement. You are a great model for your colleagues! As @deanna.falge mentioned, these skills are not just beneficial in coaching, but in our greater personal lives as well and can really lend to better communication and relationships with those around us. Much of what is happening in our socio-political climate today is a result of people reacting to their feelings rather than responding to them. Gestalt principles are needed in everything we do!

@gmlobito1 I’m curious, how has your focus on awareness impacted your interactions with the citizens you meet with? What changes or differences do you see in those interactions, if any?

You both ask such great questions. @gmlobito1 regarding your question, “As you are gaining more practice in the space of the “eternal now” how have you felt yourself change?” –

I’ve been practicing this quite a bit more since starting this module and starting The Untethered Soul, and I find that a couple of things are happening. First, just the concept of the ‘eternal now’ has made it so much easier to recognize when I’m stuck in my head and notice the need to pull myself out of it. I’ve been trying to figure this out for many years and I feel like the lightbulb just kind of turned on reading The Untethered Soul. It just makes sense to me. I find that I’m living less in the past and in the future, and am more focused on the present – not just how it feels or what is here, but it’s easier to assess what I’m able to realistically do every day without worrying about all of my *shoulds* based on the future.

@deanna.falge regarding your question, “Do you have any tools for dealing with the desire to “fix” when you are in a session with a client?”

Mostly I just need to be aware. When I’m aware of it, I can usually avoid it. “Fixing” is my auto-pilot habit, so it’s naturally going to happen. I just have to keep bringing myself back to the idea that it’s not my job to figure things out for the client. Also, sometimes if I see an idea or a ‘potential solution’, I’ll ask permission from the client to share it and I’ll frame it not as a recommendation or a suggestion but rather a potential experiment or something to try to see if it could work for them. This helps to preserve their autonomy by giving them the opportunity to say “no” to both me sharing, and “no” to trying out the idea.

I really just need a poster on my wall that says “Be in the eternal now” hahahaha.