[Hannah Grajko]

When actually focusing on deep listening, I’m realizing how often I’m able to just zone out and be in my own thoughts or possible responses when someone is sharing. Super informative and humbling! Just observing that at first allowed a lot of clarity right away for what it means to actually listen to someone. It also allowed me to reflect on the people in my life who really make me feel listened to and heard, and what they might do to make that happen. Initial responses to that question came down to mostly an energetic feel and was felt in the meaningful, engaging questions a good listener might ask.

Considering these explorations around listening, I did my best to try some deep listening with a dear friend who came to visit for New Years’. She had been having some confusion in her life around how to make her dream of creating an intentional community a reality given the resources she had. Some things that came up were questions about if she was doing the right work (not exactly aligned with her goals and purpose, but brought in a good paycheck), and where she should be to best make community happen. When she was sussing out her confusion, I tried to be a proverbial blank slate capable of being totally open to what she was saying, and get on her level emotionally about what it would feel like to be struggling with these questions. I did feel a strong sense of empathy, and that might be due in part to the fact that I also feel urges to accomplish similar goals. I wasn’t really able to ask her a great deal of questions that dug deeper into the possible underlying roadblocks that might be present, but I did get the sense that she felt a confidence in navigating how to move past her own story and get on to some focused productivity; she said a few times that she knows she’s on the right track, and, being a pretty wise and centered person, that she would be listening for the signs as to when she should jump on opportunities to make her goal a reality. I was able to provide her with some additional focus through my clarifying questions, and I also recognize that I have a long way to go in honing the skill of deep listening!

[Hannah Grajko]

The wander! Oh, my goodness, how I love this exercise. The first thing that comes to mind when I reflect on the wander is how I used to do this same thing when I was a child, and I had forgotten about it completely; what a great memory to be reminded of. Growing up homeschooled in the woods of the Northeast, I would go out on the state land and get really quiet and talk to nature and ask it to lead me to something special. I think back then, I wanted to find flowers or “artifacts” or hidden treasure, but I guess it doesn’t seem too far off from what we’re focusing on now (perhaps if only symbolically).

After being reminded of those earlier experiences with wandering, I was so giddy to start it now with new inspiration and knowledge. I started my first wander with some seated meditation at home, then headed out to my “deluxe” sit spot (the one a bit far away that I go to when I can). I intentionally started a bit away from my exact sit spot, because I knew that I would probably draw myself to areas I had been curious about previously, and I wanted more of an opportunity to be led by nature. With each surrendering breath, I either muttered or thought, “I surrender”. and closed my eyes before changing direction.

The force was stronger than I had anticipated, and I worried here and there that my confidence in going in one direction was due to my own desire for a certain place. However, I kept reminding myself to surrender, and went in the direction I was being guided to first without really giving myself time to over-analyze it. The pull eventually brought me to a little shaded gully in between two large hills. I got to a spot and my eyes were drawn to some moss on the ground in a little clearing. I asked if this was the spot, and felt a resounding, “yes!”. I have always been fascinated by and drawn to moss, so it wasn’t surprising that this was where I was led. The thing about this moss that felt significant was the fact that it was so incredibly vibrantly green. That might not be very significant elsewhere, but here, in a very dry part of Boulder called Sanitas, it is quite rare to find moss this green (without a clear water source present) this time of year.

I had started my wander looking for guidance from nature about how I should proceed in bettering my communication skills with my loved ones, most specifically with my partner; we have been having some really trying times lately, due in part to my tendency to be emotionally reactive and project my insecurities on him instead of just listening to what he is feeling. This has been a really sensitive part of my life as of late, and I came to the wander with genuine openness about what I need to learn. The first thing that came to mind was the word “nourishment”. I saw this little clump of moss somehow getting the nourishment it needed, amidst seemingly great adversity (the lack of water), and it was flourishing. It didn’t have lots of rainfall or streams directly giving it moisture, but somehow it was finding it in an arid area. This made me think about how compassionate and kind I have the capability of being when I’m feeling truly nourished, and conversely, how the opposite is true when I am not giving myself what I need. It was a powerful reminder that, in order to approach a deeply programmed sense of defensiveness on my part during times of feeling triggered, I need my daily practice of mindfulness and exercise to remind me of the compassion that I also possess. This type of nourishment will carry me into being the communicator I want to be, because I will have fed the tender parts of me that might normally react. I feel so much gratitude for that little moss for directly participating in giving me that lesson simply by living.

[Hannah Grajko]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Melody. It sounds to me that during your wander, you had to separate a bit from where your mind and preferences were taking you (your “favorite” spots), to where nature wanted you to head. What a cool thing to witness! I too have some resistances when it comes to where I think I want to head, versus where nature is guiding me. It’s nice that you gained the lesson you did from diving into parts of the trail that might not have been your favorite spots. It’s interesting that your visualization path is similar to one with which you’ve done work in the past. It sounds like that particular path has something special to show you!

[Hannah Grajko]

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your beautiful experiences with these exercises and the context around them. I’m really grateful to be able to share in part with you as we all engage in this journey. Thank you especially to Ray and Melody for speaking to your experiences with abuse and how that manifests in your OA and WAV exercises; I can emphathize with the hyperawareness that comes about as a result of abuse, and I commend your sensitivity and willingness to engage with that tender tendency! Kent, I totally feel you on the feeling of wanting to be grounded like a tree amidst the “trash” that can accumulate around you; such a great metaphor and I’m happy you had that insight. I had a similar experience while doing a visualization meditation the other day. It was centered around visualizing yourself as a mountain, and seeing the growth and seasons and weather change around you, all the while remaining the calm, grounded mass of rock that “you’ve been” for ages (it was the mountain meditation on Insight Timer if anyone is interested!).

1. Even though it’s been well over 2 weeks, I still have not be able to commit to an every-day sit spot. This is due in part because I have been traveling around the country for the past 10 days, and I’m having a hard time giving up the sit spot that I’m so being called to, but that is a ~15 walk away (which doesn’t sound terribly long, but to carve out an extra 30 min of travel to and from has been proving unsustainable). However, I can speak to my experiences of OA at the little-too-far-away sit spot. My spot is up on a ridge overlooking a much larger ridge, with a small valley in between. All over that area are tons of birds who bop around the trees, and seem very curious about the happenings of all other moving life around them. As I’m sure most of you and people in this area of study are, I am totally enthralled with the movements and behaviors of birds, and love to see what they can teach me. As I was sitting in my spot just after finishing the 7 breaths, I used WAV to observe the larger area and sensed many birds moving around me. This particular day, I had been feeling particularly anxious and uneasy. I noticed in the movements of the birds that they both seemed to embody and fierce attentiveness and protectiveness, but they still took moments in between to sit in stillness and sing. This showed me in one way or another, that it’s perfectly okay to feel on the defensive sometimes, and within those moments, one can take a break and be still or express what needs to be expressed. I needed that at the moment.

2) As I am currently traveling and haven’t had much time away from my partner, I’ve had many opportunities to observe objectively (and sometimes not objectively!) how I am triggered in moments of stress or conflict with him. It has always been relatively difficult for me to feel my emotions as body sensations without going right up to the story in my head about what’s happening (or what my perspective is). However, just yesterday when we had a particularly painful conflict, I centered into just being aware of what the sensations were, and how that might translate to our conversation. It was helpful for me to be clear about what I was feeling, articulate them, and let them be what they were before trying to dissect them with my mind. It was a sweet vulnerability that emerged that allowed me to see both sides with more sensitivity and clear awareness.

3) Today, I was walking by the beach of an alpine lake and saw a solo Canadian goose. I knew that being the time of year it is and the fact that geese typically live and travel in groups, that this was not a good sign for the bird friend. He took a few steps on the beach and revealed a horrible limp on one leg. It struck me so emotionally hard that, because he was injured, he could not keep up with the flock, and would most likely face an incredibly difficult winter in this cold climate all by himself. I immediately tried to control the situation by calling animal control (ironic) to try to get this animal some veterinary care. I lamented over what a horrible and scary feeling it would be to be facing what he was. At some point I had the realization that one of my deepest fears is abandonment and long-term periods of solitariness; I tend to freak out a bit, and panic about my own abilities to achieve things. I started putting this all on the goose until I reminded myself that the only thing in our lives that we can control is our reaction to periods of lonliness, injury, and even death; nature will always move in the cycles that it has for time immemorial, and that includes the unfortunate along with the joyful. I doubt that this experience will cut out entirely my attachment to control, but it was a poignant example of how there are forces that will move with or without our consent. (I’ll probably still go back and check on the goose tomorrow, too, because I’m obsessed with animals too much to not help When I’m able!).

[Hannah Grajko]

It has been really inspiring and fulfilling to read everyone’s posts about their definition of nature-connection and the reaction to the readings. I feel so fortunate to be able to enter into a little community with such passion!

In terms of how I view nature connection in my own life, I have to say that Harper’s assertion that we are not something separate from nature, but a fluid component of nature sums up how I viewed nature-connection as a child, and the definition that I’m coming back to now in life. Simply put, nature connection seems like any time I view a limb of nature as an old friend or relative to which I’m seeing again after a time away. It feels like a deep curiosity about the form and function of a lichen, a preying hawk, or a smell of pinons on the breeze. This sense of reuniting with an ancient piece of myself can happen just about anywhere natural components exist, and is almost always accompanied by a calm focus that can tune out the chatter of our “civilized” mind.

Having grown up and been homeschooled in the middle of nowhere in upstate New York, I actively used the natural world as a mentor and teacher (without realizing it at the time); I see now how formative and precious that time spent barefoot outdoors was to my development of self and spirit. Fast-forwarding to adolescence, there was a time where nature-connection slowly succumbed to the demands of society, and I lost some sense of the relationship to nature as a guide and friend. Even now, I oftentimes feel a cultivated fear when being outside in the dark at night due to the ideas I’ve been fed about nature’s innate dangers. However, that connection never fully disappeared, and I find myself today feeling a oneness with nature in a way that is deeper and more meaningful than ever before.

I guess it just comes down to truly feeling whole, and that connection fosters wholeness in the simplest, most profound and beautiful ways. This is why it is of the utmost importance that a nature connection be maintained; like tending to one’s body through nutrition and care, one’s connection to the natural world must be approached with intention, grace, and practice.

[Hannah Grajko]

Wow, Kent…it was really beautiful to read this and to see deeply into your experience with nature connection! Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I appreciate how, even just over the course of this post, you showed us your journey from being immersed in human culture as we know it, to wanting to escape back into the wild entirely and give up what society offers, and finally finding a desire for a more balanced and harmonious connection with both. I can totally resonate with that pendulum swing (as I’m sure many people can), and I completely empathize with how dissociating and confusing that can be to one’s soul and purpose; I feel like sometimes, almost on a weekly basis, I can feel my own pendulum swing back and forth violently as we witness the aspects of society that don’t serve us and can even cause harm to us. The sentiment you shared about the near-impossibility of finding a mentor you truly vibe with feels really accurate. I can’t imagine a relationship where intention, clarity, vetting, and honesty matter more (except for maybe a spouse). It seems like you’re on a great path, however, in self-authoring your identity within the natural world, and using the guidance and power of nature to get there!