Heber Howard
Forum Replies Created
-
Summary
From this module I am taking away how useful it is to engage with my own parts and do partswork sessions for myself. Not only is it an incredible tool to engage my growth process much more fully but it’s also great practice in being with clients. I think of doing partswork for myself like I am sitting down with a client and really trying to understand their experience and what they are going through. From that place, I try to see what agreements can be made and how to possibly work on shifting the problem behavior. It also works as great practice for working with couples because often it’s important to get your parts to talk to one another when they are in conflict. From there you have to sort of play mediator to get them to come to a negotiation.
I really appreciate working with parts in this way there’s the opportunity for constant practice. Parts are always present in everyone’s lives in just about whatever way they show up there’s always a conversation and negotiation that can be had. It just depends on how aware you are of the opportunity to engage with them. So, this provides constant practice for self-development and honing your therapeutic skill.
Not only that, but it’s very important to continue to pay attention to and work with parts of yourself that show up in an unhealthy way. This is another big take away for me in this module. The idea that what you resist will persist. I’ve learned over the years at the more I just want to behave or to go away and just ignore it, it tends to come out and much bigger of a burst. I appreciate that parts work sheds light on this and gives a framework and how to pay attention to the challenging parts.
The ability to practice a therapeutic skill by myself is important to me because I often don’t have much of a chance to do this kind of work with people. Part of it is that I just haven’t sought out getting practice clients yet, but part of it is that I already have clients in a different capacity. I work with a schizophrenic woman and an autistic man in this kind of work doesn’t seem appropriate in the work that I do with them. This is because seems to me that it’s important to have a fairly developed ego to work with this model, in order to have a really strong sense of awareness and some sense of who you are. It also seems important to be able to focus pretty intently and have a pretty sophisticated way of thinking in order to imagine these different parts of yourself and what they’re doing. Sometimes this way of working with yourself is challenging for people that have a relatively normal and fully developed brain. In that same vein, I don’t imagine it would be easy to work with kids in this model either, especially if there’s any expectation for them to do it by themselves.
-
Initial post
Wow, what an experience I had in this module! I had already taken a training on parts work before this module so I assumed that it was going to be just the review for me and felt like I was settling in for one of the less interesting EBI weekends. Even though it was still mostly a review, that was definitely not all it was and it was definitely not boring. As a way to experience parts work, I got a chance to do a session with Ryan as my coach. We are working with a part of me that I feel very scared of that I called “The Beast.” This part protects me and draws a very strong boundary but I hadn’t trusted this part for a very long time. Whenever it would show up I would do something that I would later feel ashamed of, such as putting my fist through a wall. With some guidance, I was able to connect with this part much more consciously than ever before and was able to have a very powerful experience that resulted in being able to find more trust of this part of me. I was able to do this by allowing this part to do its thing while I stayed very conscious of what was going on and made the choice to bring it out instead of it controlling me. Another part that seemed transformational was connecting with it after seeing the positive feelings and impacts that it had. I also chose to rename it from “The Beast” and give it a name modeled after the Native American descriptive naming tradition. Now I call this part of me “The One Who Punches Holes Through the Earth,” a little long but it’s fitting.
I love reading My Stroke of Insight, it made me think a lot about parts work. In this reading, the author recounts her life after she had a stroke. Due to the stroke, she lost the function of part of her left brain and quite literally became a different person. At first, she wasn’t sure she wanted that part of herself back. She suddenly felt much more free, socially connected, and creative but she lost a very analytical and useful part of herself. Found it really interesting that the parts of us that we talk about in parts work are literally different parts of the brain carrying out different functions. I thought about this a little bit more and realize that the different parts of us are literally different neural pathways. Therefore, the more you focus on a specific part the more you can rewire that pathway. It also gives me a lot more understanding to the saying “work your parts or they will work you.”
-
Summary
One of my biggest takeaways from this module is the importance of shaking up homeostasis. I notice in myself that it can be so easy to get habituated into a specific way of thinking or behaving. For example, I tend to have a really hard time applying myself to writing for any length of time and coming up with what to say, but when hard deadlines are coming up panic starts to set in, which does a very good job of disrupting my homeostasis. Even though I really don’t like procrastinating working on a writing assignment is very uncomfortable so my pattern is to continue to tell myself that I can’t do it now for some reason, but I will do it soon. It doesn’t seem to be just writing though, it seems like it’s anything that requires long periods of sustained attention with slow-moving results. I notice that in the cycle of experience I tend to get stuck at the awareness phase and if/when I do finish my homework I seem to bypass the satisfaction and withdrawal phase. Gestalt says I need a way of shaking up my pattern of being, to learn to do something different than forget about that responsibility when I become aware of it. I also notice that I get really caught up in “aboutism” and I learned that Gestalt would recommend setting up an experiment and “bringing alive present experience of moving from awareness to action” in this context. This seems to essentially be a threshold experience. The goal is to successfully move through the cycle of experience with awareness and to be able to continue to do so.
Something else that I’m taking away from this module is the importance of the “now” and “how.” This refers to staying in the present moment with the client, not getting caught up in the story, and how to work with the now. I notice the importance of this because whenever I’m not in the now it’s much easier for me to lose track of where I am with my client and feel overwhelmed by the process. Really appreciated what Michael said in the comments that, “Gestalt is a way of listening and tells you what to listen for” which I think is a very good description of Gestalt. I have learned more about how to be, and what to listen for in Gestalt than just about any other module.
-
Initial post
I love Gestalt because it feels like the foundation of coaching and a great modality to practice and refine one’s coaching presence. It teaches how important the skills of awareness, expression, creativity, relationship, and authenticity are to coaching. Not only does it teach the importance of these skills but gives concrete tools in how to use these skills. It also gives a lot of information about how a person’s psychological issue might have originated and ways of working with it at a very fundamental level. I say that Gestalt seems to be the foundation of coaching because it teaches how to be with the client, the importance of contact, what exactly that means, breaks down what to expect when working with a client, and teaches how to find and work with the root cause of an issue. Gestalt even breaks down the process of each experience to make it easier to track clients process in order to find and work with the exact place their stuck pattern occurs.
The foundations of Gestalt are awareness, presence, and contact. Awareness refers to the importance of what is going on the coaches body, how that comes up, how the client is expressing, and where that comes from. This is because coaching or Gestalt is a co-created experience meaning the coaches constantly affecting the client, the client is constantly affecting the coach, and the environment they are in is constantly affecting both of them. Presence refers to the coaches ability to stay with what is happening to themselves and the client in the current moment instead of getting caught up in planning the next step or remembering something they said. Then contact, which is more one of the most important concepts in Gestalt, refers to both client and coach maintaining separateness while simultaneously forming a union. The three seem very similar but describe the ways they interact with each other. Contact is what’s happening, awareness is noticing that, and presence is staying with it.
Another important part of Gestalt is noticing an understanding how the energy is flowing. It is important to make sure a person’s energy is going out into the world instead of being turned in on themselves. For a very basic example is the difference between an expressive person and a depressed person.
-
Summary,
Wow, I took away so much from this module. I was so happy to get a better understanding of what was going on with my girlfriend and appreciated having some of what was going on with her being normalized for me. I felt so lucky to start getting a better understanding of how challenging, all-encompassing, and unpredictable grief can be. I found it especially useful to learn that multiple losses can have a compounding effect and all be part of the same grieving process because my girlfriend had not only lost her dad recently but had three other significant losses in the past three years. I already knew that this was huge but this module gave me more perspective and understanding.
She would often talk about how she felt like she lost all of her friends to this process but I didn’t really understand how this could happen. She would try to tell me all the frustrations she had with people but I always felt like she could have been more understanding. Now I understand how challenging it can be to put any effort into a relationship at all when all of your energy is going toward processing the intense emotions you’re having. I understand how sensitive a grieving person can be to feeling like a friend isn’t there for support because they don’t know what to say. I understand how easy it is to say the wrong thing and how often people that are grieving are having to deal with other people’s discomfort which causes them to say and do the wrong thing a lot. It was striking to me how, even in such an emotional place, she was constantly having to be a teacher for others in how to be with her. This frustration often causes her to just want to be alone even though he really wanted to feel supported. I now know that this a long time is very important but it’s just as important to have companionship. I also know now that not everyone deals with grief in this way but I do imagine that this experience is somewhat common.
Through this module and this experience of being with her, I learned how important it is just to be there, and for the bereaved to feel seen in their grief. Sometimes grief can be a roller coaster of emotions, feeling fine one minute and crying the next. This constant flux of emotion can leave the bereaved feeling crazy and very self-conscious. This is when is very important to validate and remind them that is a normal feeling for someone that is grieving. Reminding someone that grief is not linear and can feel very disorganized is very helpful. Since the bereaved has such a wide range of emotions important to keep checking in to see how they’re doing even if seems like they’ve been doing. This is also a very long process. It may take months for to really start coming out, it may take months for there to be any semblance of normalcy, but it’s never really gone.
I also learned how challenging it can be to answer simple questions like how are you doing. It can leave the person confused on how to respond, whether it’s a simple formality or real check-in, if it is a real check-in do they talk about how they’re doing in general or right now at this moment, and can I say too much, will freak this person out.
Another thing I think is really interesting is that grief is a type of trauma. This makes a lot of sense because any time someone would call my girlfriend unexpectedly she would feel worried that it was going to be news about another death. It seems like the essential too much to deal with too fast. I’d be curious to learn if and how trauma tools could be used for grief.
-
Initial post,
I found this module extremely useful and extremely helpful. When I attended this module my girlfriend had recently lost her father unexpectedly. I had been trying to be there for her the best I could, but kept saying the wrong things and feeling unsure of how to show up for her. Sometimes I just felt uncomfortable because I wanted to help but didn’t understand how to and she could sense my discomfort which would easily cause her to feel guilty. At the time of this module, it had only been a little over a month since her dad passed. At first, she was extremely upset which felt completely expected to me but as time went on I realized there was more going on than I knew how to deal with. For a while she was still able to explain what was going on for her, cry, and engage with me about her process. Sometimes, she might even have a good day or just be able to enjoy small things. Other times, it felt like there is no reaching her, there is nothing she wanted and no way she could engage. My usual tactic was either to comfort her, make her smile in some way, or to find something for us to engage in together but was becoming frustrating and burdensome for her. As time passed she became more distant and her grief seemed to become more complex and subtle. This is when I realized I needed to learn more about what she was going through.
The simple understanding of how complex, and long-lasting grief can be was extremely useful. It is also very helpful to learn that multiple losses can all be part of the same grieving process because she had lost other people in her life in recent years. This gave me a deeper perspective of what she was going through and made me feel the gravity of the situation more strongly.
I also appreciated learning how important self-care is when supporting someone in grief. I would often look to her for support and process what I was feeling. Either that or I would hold it in feeling like I could support her without needing support myself. Before the module, I was starting to learn that she really was unable to process with me anymore and felt a huge relief once I had more of an understanding of what was going on. I realized that I needed to find someone else so that I could discharge the emotions I was taking on in supporting her.
Something else is very happy to talk about was all the ways people miss the mark in trying to offer comfort. My girlfriend would often complain about how frustrating this was, especially with her classmates. She did tell me how hard it was wanting support but when she would tell people about her dad’s death could tell they just felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. So instead of being with her, they would offer platitudes like “time will make it all better” or “he is in a better place now.” I also learned through this how easy it can be to say the wrong thing. I learned that I tend to want to put a positive spin on the situation if possible especially when I’m uncomfortable and trying to be positive is often upsetting. To her there really wasn’t any positive way to look at it, her dad died which was just horrible and it needed to be okay that it was just horrible. I also messed up a few times by commenting on how well she seemed to be doing or her strength in processing her emotions. Even though I didn’t mean them this way she let me know that the subtle message she received when I said these things was that she needed to be strong or happy instead of allowing herself to feel weak or sad.
-
Summary Post
A big reason I got into the world of psychology and coaching is that I’ve always wanted to be a support for people with whatever they’re struggling with. In this module I have learned is very important to see a longer view. This seems like an essential piece of the puzzle of what makes someone skilled as a support to others. Not only is being able to see a client’s potential progress important but it is also very important to have a conversation with the client so they can see it too. Not only does this potentially give the client hope and some excitement it also gives them some perspective about the process and helps them to be on the same page as you. So many people have a desire to be different than they are in some way but to get there it takes work which can be so disheartening when they find themselves back in old patterns. This long process can feel a little easier if they expect the relapse.
-
Hey Erica! It’s so interesting that you have had multiple clients say the Soul part is there just to observe witness. This doesn’t seem to make sense to me because I always think of the Soul as being that part that needs to be the driver of the system. I wonder if there is a part getting in the way that is causing them to feel like their Soul part is more of a passive observer instead of an active director. But it’s even more interesting since multiple people have said that same thing. I’m really curious what you are referencing from ‘The Untethered Soul,’ I haven’t had a chance to read it yet and am interested to know how Singer parallels this confusing way you’re clients Soul parts are showing up.
I love hearing about the Shadow work you have been able to do with your parts and am very excited for you in this process. It seems like shadow work is one of the places that parts work really shines. I don’t think there is anything more effective to work with someone’s shadow side than being able to see and acknowledge it directly. I love the honesty and reality of expectations that you bring to this check-in. For example you say, “spending several months grappling with Snapback as I was rerouting the outdated neural pathways to the newer ones I’d developed in the past few years” which seems like such an amazing accepting the reality of the situation instead of just trying to force it to be different and getting upset with yourself when the relapse occurs. The only thing that really works is caring for them and not taking their negative behavior too seriously. This reminds me a bit of behavioral psych, in which the therapist is taught to ignore problem behavior because giving it attention is a reward in itself, and just reward behaviors that they want to reinforce. I realize it’s not an exact comparison, but I do think there are a lot of similarities and I imagine a lot could be learned from this comparison.
-
Hey Hannah! I love that you say you can’t seem to get away from parts work even if you try. One of my favorite things about parts work is that once you start to see it, you see it everywhere. I see it with clients, which can be really useful in having an idea of what part of them is showing up. I see it in different mental disorders and what that implies. But most of all I see it in myself which I’m so thankful for.
I love hearing about how you explored different parts with your client. I was especially interested in your idea of exploring parts work with a group of people on wilderness trips, which sounds like it would give the group a lot of time to explore the topic. This seems like a very rich environment to explore parts work. What parts show up in response to other people’s parts? Has a change in different situations? I especially love the question you ask of “how can we guide groups through connection phases of their development for a more fully authentic experience?” I’m extremely curious if you got a chance to experiment with these questions and how it went.
-
Hey Kairon, I loved hearing about your session with this client and how many insights you brought from it. I love the line in which you say the fear and the unknown in severance become the alchemical catalyst to fuel courage, empowerment, and wisdom. Wow, how true and how poignant. I also appreciated where you say, “When one accepts their current condition, one no longer feels helpless about it.” There is so much subtlety to accepting certain things about your life which can be very challenging, but it’s true that the only reason the problem exists is a lack of acceptance.
I had totally forgotten about the concept of “energetic synchronization” so I’m thankful for the reminder. I love the way you describe it as flow, contact with another person, and including nature in that picture. I think of it very similarly. I know that I’m on the right track and “synchronized” with my client when I feel like I hardly have to work at all to understand what’s going on. It feels like we are flowing together and naturally matching each others energy. I appreciate your perspective of gaining interconnection and humility through this practice.
-
Hey Elizabeth, I was struck by you saying that you wanted to get them to stay “in” their experience instead of telling you stories “about” their experience. I remember Michael saying that sometimes it’s important to listen to the clients’ stories. I wish I could remember the context or the point he was making, but I do remember and feel like hearing “about” the clients’ experience can be important. I do wonder how this fits into the context of Gestalt if at all.
I love hearing that this is helping you become more aware and tuned in. Congratulations on noticing people deflecting, that’s a huge step. I really appreciate all your reflections on how the session went, what was going on for you, and what you could have done differently. I think this is the best way to learn and grow. I love the idea of leaving a client thoughtful and with an assignment.
-
Hey Michelle, wow it sounds like you really got a lot out of this module. It seemed incredibly important to be able to understand what others are going through and for their experience not to be limited by anything, death for example. I loved hearing your example of how this applied to your own life with leaving EBI and your other job. It seems like any major life transition comes with some grieving of a previous life. I’m glad to hear you are able to acknowledge this and allow yourself the process.
I also appreciated your reflection on how important it is to meet the client where they are instead of making them feel like they need to be different in any way. It also seems important to hold the knowledge of that may not be helpful for the client to be stuck on what’s supposed to be or what could’ve been. At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that this desire is what’s happening for them now and that is important.
You also say, “be aware of what grief looks like, and call it out when you see it” which I agree is very important. Sometimes just helping a person to understand what is happening to them and normalizing it can be one of the greatest gifts.
-
Nick, great review and I really enjoyed hearing your personal process and description of the steps. I feel curious about how closure relates to unfinished business. When I first learned that closure for grief is a myth it really didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I also didn’t really think closure is completely being done with the issue but maybe something left unsaid. For example, for me closure might be getting a chance to talk to you are dying loved one and telling them something important, learning how they died, or for a more simple example getting to understand why your spouse left you. It might even look like speaking to an empty chair as though it were the deceased, which I think can be super helpful in processing the loss. So, I don’t think it is appropriate to expect to never feel pain from that loss again but it seems natural to try to work with unfinished business, which I think some people call closure.
I also think it’s worth acknowledging that the four tasks of mourning do not seem like a linear process. It seems to me that it can be cyclical or even all over the place but as time passes and emotions are processed gets easier to go through. A lot like the cycle of change it seems like a sort of relapse can be experienced. For example, a person might accept the person is gone, processed a lot of feelings, feel like they have adjusted and are doing okay then find an old picture and be brought back into processing their emotions.
-
Michelle, I appreciate your perspective of really needing to take more than one session to find the deeper need and find out what the client is up against. Until this module, I was feeling a little disillusioned with the idea of coaching or therapy. It often felt like I would have a session and go through a feel-good experience, feel excited, then completely forget about it until next time and not really have anything to show for it. Best case scenario, I might think about the experience occasionally and maybe I would think about my issue in a new way. On the other hand, if I brought an issue that I felt very unclear I would often just end up swimming about in confusion and uncertainty. The idea of long-term coaching and creating a coaching agreement brought back my faith in coaching. Like you said a change process never happens as fast as anyone would like.
-
Nick, seems like such incredible insight for you to be able to pay attention and to work on this level for people that your interact with daily. This seems like a much different approach and possibly even different skill set then working one-on-one in a coaching session with someone once a week. It seems like learning to see where people that you interact with regularly are in this model would provide you so much information in ways of engaging in helping to direct these people. This seems much more subtle and possibly challenging approach than having a one hour session once a week. The former seems to be more based in relationship and mentoring whereas the latter seems to necessitate more educational approach.
This reminds me a lot of the work that I do. I live with a couple of guys that deal with challenging mental illness but I’m not there therapist. A lot of my role is what my boss calls relational medicine which requires me to take what I’ve learned from Naropa and EBI and integrate it more into my every day interactions. In this way I feel like I need to deeper relationship with the ideas because I’m not just using them during one hour sessions.
One of the hold and work with all these different processes and places that people are in sounds challenging but must be extremely rewarding.