[Elizabeth Wangler]

Ivy, I love your idea of “asking” what wants to come along for clients. Kent, you’ve inspired me to carry my sketchbook more often!

I dream of leading retreats where participants create art from things they find on the land during wanders.

Thanks for creating this space to share ideas and visions, Ivy!

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Summary Post – Trauma

Last week I participated in a leadership/trauma release workshop that provided a much wider perspective of the role that trauma plays in our lives. I watched accomplished leaders collapse into trauma responses from seemingly innocuous interactions. For example, one woman became seriously triggered if people touched her without addressing her verbally first. We later learned that she had a history of horrific abuse.

What I took away from the workshop, and this learning module, is that we need to be very aware of how everything we say and do can affect the client. For example, last week, I received an email from a practice client. He had some questions about the EBI program, which I answered to the best of my ability and also suggested that he contact EBI for more specifics.

Later, I got an intuitive hit that perhaps my directing him to EBI would feel dismissive, even though I addressed all of his questions. So, I wrote back and asked. In fact, it had triggered him. Remembering the importance of “repair” I was glad I asked. Looking back over things he shared during our past coaching sessions, I can see that trauma may underlie what arose for him.

I believe we should maintain high awareness of trauma because it’s effects could be unexpected. For example, someone I know fell into a sudden and severe depression that coincided with a friend and co-worker being fired. I mentioned this to a therapist friend and she offered that the response might be due to an abandonment issue. Knowing the history, I believe this is true yet I never would have expected the symptoms, nor the cause.

It may be wise to ask clients up front if they have experienced trauma that could impact their coaching sessions. As we learned, we don’t even need to know what it is specifically, though of course that would help. A homeopath I know asks clients to create a life timeline of high and low events, which she reviews with clients at the first meeting. I like this idea because it highlights the pattern of their life and opens the door for creating the future they want.

I don’t intend to become overly focused on trauma to the point I go looking for it. As Michelle stated in her post, we need to keep the client moving forward in spite of the trauma. My goal is to become attuned to the client in such a way that I recognize shifts in energy and can flow with it so that clients feel safe and supported in moving beyond what may have held them back in the past. With the resourcing tools we learned, I feel confident that, when trauma does arise, I can help the client ground, stabilize and return to the present.

As Megan shared, “What a gift it can be to just meet someone where they are and be completely ok with whatever IS.” To do this, I need to continue practicing presence and connection so that my own “stuff” does not interfere with the session. We all have triggers or challenging parts, but staying in connection with my soul and the other person creates space for Nature to participate and healing to occur.

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Michelle,
In reading your post again I just had a big aha from this: “I understand as a coach it is not our job to drag out others traumatic experiences but it is our job to notice when there is something in our clients way, something blocking them from growing and moving forward”

For some reason, every since starting EBI I’ve been struggling with the line between coaching and counseling. When my clients get too deep into stories around trauma, I get uncomfortable wondering how far to go on it and whether they would be better off with a counselor. Now I get it. My job is to move them toward their goals, clearing the roadblocks. Not to “feed into it” as you say.

I think if I make certain their goal is clear from the start, this will be much easier. I notice that I have a tendency to follow them down paths that may more about the roadblock than the goal.

THANK YOU!

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Summary post

I am in awe of all of you in this thread. Thank you for such deep insights and vulnerability. Of course my critic part just arose, “Look how wise they are. You should study/practice more. They write so much better than you do, etc.” I can find humor in this, knowing what’s happening in me and why.

“Compassion” may be the balm. Compassion that we’re all human, never perfect and never finished growing. I imagine how the world would change if we could truly love and accept all of our parts and every part of others.

I remember a teacher from many years ago saying that the golden rule is backwards. “Do unto others as I would have them do unto me” should be the other way around “Do unto myself as I do unto others” because we’re often harder on ourselves than we are on others.

Partswork facilitates self-acceptance for me. For months I’ve been trying to monitor my thoughts so I can notice and choose. Today when a judgment about someone arose I discovered that it was immediately followed by “What part is thinking that?” The next thought, inspired by Unteathered Soul, was “Open your heart, Have compassion for them and forgive yourself for thinking that.”

I heard Eckhart Tolle say that ego is not at play if we catch ourselves in a conditioned response (and change it of course). That makes it much easier to have compassion for myself. Another teacher shared: “Enlightenment is catching ourselves faster next time,”

What I’m trying to convey is that Partswork is a remarkably powerful tool for my own self-awareness and self-acceptance. These improve my coaching. I believe that coaching is as much about “being” as it is the “doing.” If I can create a field, of loving acceptance of everything when I’m coaching, I know the client will be impacted.

When we started EBI I remember Michael asking us what we wanted out of it. I said, “To experience Oneness.” I like what Kairon shared about the Soul and our parts being one. It’s true and it does seem easier for me to love and accept all from this perspective.

I also resonated with Carrie’s idea of having her client look at things in nature as a mirror. Nature doesn’t judge. Perhaps that’s why it’s so powerful to take clients outdoors. There we experience ourselves as one with Nature. We experience ourselves differently.

Lately I’ve been taking friends on silent Nature walks. Everyone notices a profound shift in how they feel immediately. Nature has many parts and yet all is one. There is no judgment. Every piece plays a key role. I appreciated Brad’s reflection on the acorn. The dark, damp place, which humans might judge, is necessary for the acorn.

If all I do as a coach is help people love and accept themselves more, I will have contributed to a better world. Fortunately, the concept of Parts makes this much easier. What a gift!

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Initial post – Parts

Yesterday, I coached a practice client and Partswork saved the day. Probably an exaggeration, but I don’t think he would have derived the same benefit without it.

This client is facing a turning point career decision. He had decided to move forward in a new direction in our last sessions, but now some new information sparked strong anxiety and he was stalled.

After some exploration around the issue, it turned out that he did want to move ahead, but felt he couldn’t without a plan. When I asked if he wanted to work with the anxiety or on the tangible plan, he chose to work on the plan.

We identified steps he would need to take to overcome the challenges raised by the new information. When I probed for “What else?” he rather sheepishly admitted that some personality traits and fears were also playing a big role. He said he was embarrassed to have them and even to share more, though he did.

At this point, I explained parts and helped him identify what part was at play. We also looked at time when he employed a different part to move forward in a different situation with confidence. He repeated a few times that he wanted these feelings to go away, to be rid of them.

Fortunately, Rob’s analogies were ready and waiting. I described the Grand Canyon concept and how old circuits never go away, but can atrophy by strengthening a new or different one. We explored that a bit and he said “That makes sense but I still just want to be rid of it.” At that point, I recalled the war soldier story and outlined it briefly, sharing that we need to accept all of our parts, even honor and celebrate them before change can occur. This was a big “aha” for him and I noticed a remarkable calming of his energy.

The client just emailed me relaying some insights he’s had since the prior sessions, related to his purpose. Perhaps this offers a segue into more partswork around the concept that parts should operate in service of the soul.
We didn’t have time left in the session to explore further, but I think more partswork will serve this client well.

I’m so grateful that Rob shared that in his first 20 years he tried convincing clients that they are ok and will be fine. Now he sees and acknowledges parts and conveys “…not going to take it away. I see it, but love you anyway.” I like this important but subtle distinction and strive to be more aware of this both with clients and friends and family.

With this client, and myself and people I know, I see that shame often arises when we struggle with change or don’t like parts of ourselves. Parts is such a powerful tool for overcoming the shame when we accept, honor and repurpose parts that get in the way and strengthen the muscles of parts that serve.

I also recall learning that knowledge alone doesn’t change anything. In fact, if we’re not careful, we can brace against our parts, which is counterproductive. “What we resist persists.” I’m curious about how I might help all clients love and accept all of their parts, throughout my coaching, whether we are specifically working with parts or not.

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Initial Post – Trauma

I believe that trauma will impact most of my coaching sessions. Given that trauma can arise from a shock; from developmental, vicarious or secondary experiences; or even community or intergenerational influences, I doubt that any of us escapes at least some of it’s symptoms.

I have three practice clients and I see the effects of what could be trauma in each of them, though their symptoms and circumstances vary. Thankfully, none has demonstrated any dramatic manifestations since our sessions are all via Zoom.

As non-paying practice clients, they didn’t come with tangible goals at the outset. I have begun each session asking if they have a specific goal (they don’t), so then I ask “What’s up for you right now?” or some equivalent. Each client, in every one of their sessions, has expressed a challenge around what I now recognize as a theme for them. Because each has a recurring pattern, I surmise that this could be trauma related.

Client #1 clearly has trauma from a tumultuous divorce, death of both parents and children leaving the nest, all in a short period of time. Her response has been to shut down. She has a very difficult time expressing feelings, even denying them. She sees every issue she brings up as black or white, rigidly clinging to the belief that there is no solution, probably fearing chaos as a result of the trauma. We learned that in a client’s window of tolerance they will vacillate between hyper and hypo and when they get too activated we may need to take breaks. This may be helpful to employ with her.

During our last session I experimented with Partswork, inviting her to consider which part of her was expressing different viewpoints or beliefs, I was grateful for Katie’s recommendation to ask for permission to experiment because I could feel her resistance. We didn’t have much time left in the session so I suggested that she experiment with it during her daily walks. I asked her to alternate embodying the two parts we identified and notice the difference between the two. Plus, when different parts emerge in her daily life.

When I spoke with her the other day to schedule our next session she raved about the experience. I recall Katie saying that our role as coaches is to be the leader of experiments, not trying to be perfect or to even be concerned with an outcome. What a relief!

Client #2 struggles with remorse and regret over past decisions, fearing that he has or will let his loved ones down. I recall learning that it doesn’t matter what caused the trauma, only what is happening now. At one point I experimented with having him visualize a pernicious negative belief as a shape, then removing it from his body. It didn’t land for him so I acknowledged that and we moved on. I know I’m making progress because that would have snagged me earlier on. I’ve found that with him, it’s most effective for me to stay fully present, seeing him as whole and complete, believing that he can embody the qualities he wants and to take things very slowly. I track his energy, mostly just creating space for him to process, then gently guiding him into visualizing his positive future. Usually we end with an affirmation that I ask him to repeat until it sounds convincing. Our last session ended with him having a profound insight and a flood of emotion that left us both in tears.

Client #3 grew up with family dysfunction. His sessions usually involve how to handle a dynamic with family or friends, which the client is now recognizing as a pattern. This client demonstrates a great deal of resilience so our sessions are more light-hearted and conversational than the other two. I still remain very focused so that I can highlight what I notice arising, but it feels safe to ask challenging questions without worrying that I’ll shut him down. In fact, he welcomes them.

The first client has done little if any personal work before this coaching. The second one has education in counseling and the third one has done the most personal work. I am directly experiencing the importance of meeting clients where they are.

Before learning about trauma I felt ill equipped and concerned because each session felt more like counseling than coaching. This still seems a bit confusing as I wonder whether they’d benefit more from a therapist. Clearly they are deriving benefit, but I wonder how we’d both feel if they were paying and whether they would continue.

Since we learned that people are wired to perceive threats first, perhaps what they’ve chosen to work on arises from an instinctual response to trauma. If I can guide them into focusing on what’s right or what is working to a greater degree, perhaps more tangible, future-focused goals will emerge. I think this is a conversation I should have with them, along with asking for specific feedback on my coaching which I haven’t done yet.

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Summary Post

This Brain 1 module changed everything for me. It provides an aerial view of what is happening for the client. Before, I felt like I was on the ground tracking the stages of the process. Now, the higher view allows me to be more present with the client and I experience a deeper, more heart-centered connection when I coach. It’s as if learning about the brain frees me from it.

Now, I can relax more and enjoy the compassion I feel for whatever stage or place they are in, knowing that nothing is wrong and nothing needs to be fixed. I’ve been able to let go of any agenda and the fear that I have to “do” something to ensure a positive outcome. Now, I’m better at checking in with the clients, allowing them to decide if we’re on track or not.

With the practice clients I have, I see their tendencies to keep circling back to negative memories and past traumas to inform their present situation. I love Ivy’s share about the pleasure walk and asking clients what is working and what feels good. It’s a great reminder to keep coming back to this, or even as a way to start a session. This helps them wire new neuropathways. Rob’s analogy of the Grand Canyon has been helpful in explaining this to clients when they wonder if change is possible. Reminding them of other situations when they could has also helped.

What I love about this work is how it teaches me to be more fully present, not only with clients but also in my daily life. I just finished an online program with Eckhart Tolle called “Practicing Presence” designed for coaches and healers. He shares that when we are fully present ourselves, this allows the healing/answers/insights to come through, from a higher place. I have noticed this to be true. I no longer feel compelled to “do” something if a client appears to be stuck. Now I know that this is just what is true in the moment. With the belief that they are whole and fully capable, I can just “be” in a state of loving presence. From there, my next question for them arises, seemingly intuitively, rather than me having to search for it, or reference my fall back questions. Today, I more fully understand Ryan’s sage advice that going slower is actually faster.

Of course continued study will always be valuable and as I reread Jenny Rogers’ book, it feels like the coaching skills will start to seep into my bones, eventually simply emerging as needed. (Can’t wait for that!) I love that there is so much to learn and that my own personal growth is never ending.

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Hi Everyone. I’m curious about ways to bring Nature into my coaching sessions beyond inviting clients to go outdoors during threshold. If I describe myself as a Nature-connected coach, it seems that Nature should be an integral part of what I offer. I just don’t want it to seem forced. All of my current clients are long distance and we work via Zoom so that makes it a bit more challenging. I’d welcome ideas or personal experiences. Thanks!

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Hi Kairon. I like your phrase of “rafting through waves of the unknown” and your awareness of “…so much tracking of Gestalt…” It sounds as though you’ve become very comfortable tracking and reflecting back to the client without a need for driving toward an outcome. Yet, you are aware that there is opportunity for change and shared it with her using the Grand Canyon metaphor.

I just returned from a river rafting trip and found myself pondering how the coaching process is very much like tuning into the river. Sometimes it’s flat and slow-moving and other times turbulent and chaotic. To navigate effectively, full presence and awareness is required, just as in coaching. I saw evidence of deep crevices in the canyon walls where water has flowed many times, leaving black stains on the rock, plus some obviously newer ones where dirt and gravel had washed out of them recently. I was reminded of how much repetition is required to create new neuropathways that will elicit lasting change in the brain. Your plan to create rituals and ceremony will serve this purpose well. I’d love to know if any specific ideas for this have come to mind for you.

Watching how the river behaves as it flows over and around submerged obstacles seems very much like witnessing the effects of deeply embedded beliefs and patterns our clients hold. Sometimes the water forms eddies where boats become stalled as the current swirls around instead of flowing freely. It can require great effort to row out of them. Other times they are welcomed if the desire is to stop and regroup for a bit.

What this reminds me is that wherever my clients are in their processes is ok. I don’t have to keep pushing for them to reach the “take-out” point. I love how you accepted this with your client. You said, “I saw the potential for us to work together and build a coach-client relationship. However, the immediacy and urgency to bring change into her life was not strong enough for us to take into another session.” Perhaps she wanted to rest in the eddy for a while. I think your tact was wise given that she seemed to lack confidence in the idea of being coached, yet you brilliantly planted a seed for further investigation by asking her if she got anything out of the session. I imagine that she might continue pondering and decide to start rowing again later.

Thanks for sharing your experience. After this long-term coaching module and my time on the river, I’m feeling much more at ease with coaching and I sense yours too from what you described.

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Hi Megan. I appreciate that you brought up “…what a gift it can be to just meet someone where they are and be completely ok with whatever IS.” This has been alive for me too and I see it as my primary work in learning to coach effectively. For me this means fully surrendering in connection with the other person. By connection I mean a meeting of the souls, which I feel energetically. I believe you were in this state when you said you waited for the question. This allows answers to come from a deeper place than the mind.

I really enjoy dropping in deeply with clients and find that it’s easier with some than others, just as it is in life. For me, practicing “being ok with whatever is” allows for deeper connection, without judgement, so that I can see beyond circumstances to the beauty of the soul. A recent awareness highlighted that it’s easier for me to see the perfection in others than in myself. Something I’m working on because my connection with clients can’t be completely “clean” if I’m not able to do this with myself as well. Thanks for bringing this up!

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Megan, THANK YOU for sharing both the gift vs. entrepreneur concept and the third eye exercise! Both are tremendously helpful. Focus is such an important aspect of what we do, both to remain fully present with our clients and to bring forth our gifts. I believe that with our hectic world and addictions to technology, maintaining soul/heart centered connection can be challenging. I’ve even considered offering practice sessions as a service (among others). I love the idea of using a mirror and the third eye. Way more powerful than staring at a candle! XO

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Hello Anna! I miss seeing you in our F2F gatherings. Hope your post grad work is going well. I love that you highlighted the use of Partswork in your own life and personal relationships. I’ve found it fascinating how often I hear people, even strangers, say “A part of me…” Partwork has definitely increased my awareness of what’s going on for all of us as it helps me respond more maturely too. Thanks for sharing. It’s a great reminder to have these growth conversations with those closest to us in addition to with our clients. XO

[Elizabeth Wangler]

I’m a little late to the party in this discussion having completely overlooked this section! Hannah, I don’t know if you are still on here, having GRADUATED, but would love to hear an update if you are.

I’m glad you shared that you get stuck in severance with practice clients because I do too. I’m wondering if it’s because they don’t have specific or strong goals, given that they haven’t sought out paid coaching. I wonder if discussion around goals would offer an opening for Partswork. For example, when I asked a client about his goals and he said, “I can’t really think of anything. I know I could do more, but I don’t know what that would be.” I could invite him to consider which part knows there’s more vs. which part doesn’t know. Interesting. Thanks for sparking this thought! Take care.

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Hi Ivy. I thought I responded to this when I first saw it, but I see that I haven’t. Thanks for the fabulous reminder about helping clients focus on what’s positive and what’s working. I do that to some degree, but since reading your post I’ve been even more aware of it. I also love the idea of bringing somatic awareness into it at the same time. Connecting the mind and body in the creation of new circuits will amplify the effect! Since my practice clients are long distance, I’ve been pondering how to bring in Nature connection more. They might enjoy taking pleasure walks in Nature on their own!

As always, thanks for your insight and support!

[Elizabeth Wangler]

Hi Michelle. I like what you said about not feeding client’s trauma’s and that you keep them moving toward their goals. I feel I may be hanging with the “problem” longer than I should. I know I could be better at interrupting. I remember from a fishbowl that you have a gift for interjecting questions that turn the client around on a dime or that break their cycle, doing so in a way that feels safe and caring. Bravo!

You opened with the fact that trauma stays in our bodies. Do you envision helping clients physically release it? I can imagine using some of the tools we learned if they are immobilized by trauma but I wonder if there are ways we as coaches could work physically as well as mentally it in less urgent situations. Thoughts?