Brad Bankhead
Forum Replies Created
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Brad – Long Term Coaching Initial Post
I’ve never had a long term client and haven’t met with a practice client since our face-to-face. However, a number of ideas have come together for me in this regard toward the end of our week and since. I’m beginning to shape a plan and timeline for how I would facilitate a long term coaching relationship. For the purposes of this post, I will refer to my imaginary client as Mike.
Mike is married and a 55- year old father of three approaching the opportunity of an early retirement and the chance to explore a different, more meaningful career opportunity – one that might be more aligned with his gifts and talents.
I would begin my initial conversation with Mike just to explore the path he has taken to seek out coaching. I might say, “Tell me how your life has brought you to this interest in working with a coach.” I’d hope to gain a very good sense of both his history and the current picture of his life. I’d feel compelled fairly early on to talk about the coaching process and how it differs from other helping relationships like counseling or working with a therapist. I might say something along these lines:
“Mike, there are some assumptions that underlie the coaching process. One of the main differences between coaching and some type of therapy is that we don’t focus on fixing anything but focus on the possibilities of the future. I think this fits well with your desire to explore different career or vocational possibilities that better fits a sense of calling for you. Also, I believe that you are creative and resourceful person and can generate strategies and solutions that will best work for you. I’m just a partner in this journey with you to help accelerate the discovery process, assist in clarifying direction and provide feedback and support in achieving your desired outcomes.” This conversation then would be the basis for establishing the Coaching Agreement or “contract” on what we can expect from one another as well as my ethical standards and values (confidentiality, trust, honesty, etc.) I think it would be also important is this “setting the stage” to talk about the nature connected aspects of our particular brand of coaching. In fact, I feel so strongly about the necessity of nature skills along with presencing and grounding skills that much of the first month would about creating opportunities to practice these awareness building skills with in the context of the desired outcomes. Help Mike to experience how these tools help him tap into his inner and outer resources and provide insight. At least 6-8 outdoor exercises and observations using the sacred questions.
As we moved into the next two months, I’d be focused on establishing trust and intimacy and bringing a genuine and authentic presence of my own. I’d remind him often that I’m committed to his success. “Mike, I’m most committed to who you are and who you are becoming. I know we have goals that we are working toward but I’m really proud of how you show up each time. I know I’m asking you to stretch a bit and that’s uncomfortable but you bring a lot of courage.” I’m sure by this juncture there has been a lot of reflection, checking for accuracy and perhaps challenging a few assumptions and incongruences. By now, we have no doubt experimented with threshold, held a few ceremonies and rituals and forays into the sacred circle.
As we get into the middle months, I’m guessing we are moving below just words as ways of knowing to more of this kind of interaction:
“Mike, this may sound a little off the wall, but hang with me, as you said that I had a vision of ……….. Does that hold any meaning for you? What might that have to say concerning our conversation today? Is there some meaning here related to our end goals? OK, might there even be another perspective that this image holds?”
As we move into the last couple of months, it’s time to re-clarify our desired outcomes. “Mike, have our targets shifted at all. If so which ones? Let’s get real clear about those bullseyes we are aiming at.”
“You know, as you just described that dream job, you used some powerful words and your energy level jumped about 4 octaves! What was that about? What seems to becoming clearer to you? What more do you need to know about that? What are the next steps to moving in that direction?”Finally, in the last 4 weeks, it’s really about designing the culminating actions and check-ins relative to securing that meaningful opportunity. “Mike, who else might be able to connect us with people already working in that field? What’s your timeline for making those connections? Let’s go over your timeline for the job search. How can I best support you in these final days? What tools will serve you best moving forward? How can I support you after we reach the end of our formal coaching agreement?”
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Summary Post – Brad
First, thank you Ivy and Megan for the thoughtful feedback. Megan, In answer to your question about having a conscious framework in place, I really did not. What was helpful was recalling thoughts from our intensive, particularly to be present, aware and attending. Grief really seems like a very different thing to hold in a coaching session. Maybe because its more like an empathetic experience. I did come back to our map as I reflected on the session to help see the concepts. I like Ivy’s comment about “being seen”, wow, isn’t that what we all hope for in our grief – someone who is really seeing us and still able to sit with us in that condition – without judgement or instruction. Also Megan, your support of your friend is so loving and kind and I like how open you were to how she is addressing this time in her life. Regarding grief, I want to believe that hope can arise within us all. Just as I believe that we seek a state of equilibrium, we can emerge in time from darkness or the “well of grief”. All experience shapes us, yes? As one who is examining The Caretaker part of me, I need to be reminded of the formation of the gestalt – to simply be with “what is” and know there is no catastrophe. Humans are incredibly resilient by nature. I, as a friend and coach, need to trust in others inner compass – my role is to listen for the tone of the inner GPS. While I think of dealing with grief as less goal directed, it certainly mirrors the process of severance, threshold and integration. And since feasting on Siegel’s work, the term integration holds greater meaning for me. Finding that flow at the center of Self where all things shape me and I can collect and hold all of my experience. See you soon!
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Summary Post: Brad
Carrie and Ivy, thanks for the feedback. As an emerging coach, it really is an inspiring experience to see how the application of brain change theory can have such a positive impact on someone’s lived experience. I find myself doing a lot of extra reading in Siegel’s stuff. I read today a paper he wrote about employing mindsight concepts in leadership. How very important it is for leaders to have an intimate awareness of their interior experience and a receptivity to both their inward and outward reality. Integration lived out on the job so to speak. In all honesty, when we began our brain change studies, it overwhelmed me. I really was kind of rejecting going back to anatomy and physiology class again. I like the spiritual outdoor stuff! But now, I’m realizing personally and in coaching and just caring for people how incredibly powerful this is. If we can question the FFF response, just for a moment, we have the beginnings of creating a whole different orientation to experiences that may have inflicted fear or even trauma. It’s good to begin to see the whole among all these parts we’ve been privileged examine and share about together.
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Megan, I am really encouraged by how you are using the intention setting and visioning part of our brain change teaching. It really is a hope producing process. Helping people get engaged in their search and goal setting process and having the confidence that pre-knowledge is so much more likely to occur. I also like your willingness to allow you client to get “roughed up” and have the knowledge that it is what he needed. I think because we are caring people its tough for us to let people hurt, we want to alleviate that pain. But learning to respect it as a teacher is an important awareness for us to maintain and allow it to shape the process and the person. Very cool!
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You know Megan, I reflected on that very thing. Dealing with addiction and mental illness in my family certainly gives me a frame of reference for how complex those issues and the feeling that go with them are. It is such a complicated feeling dynamic of sorrow, guilt, worry, and rejection of what is now. I must be honest and say that I was aware of my own “stuff” and tendency to interpret through my lenses, and did slip into it. This may be one of those conundrums where common experience and common language can help create connection with a client, its important at the same time to hold that sacred space for difference. Make sense?
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My client for this session is a 70 year old retired college administrator. He is a former teacher of literature with a particular love of British literature and British authors. He is extremely intelligent, well-read and well-traveled. He is a collector of books with literally thousands of copies of first editions. He is single and has lived alone for most of his life.
He has been the primary caregiver for his elderly mother for a number of years. However, having retired in the last three years, and with his mom in a supported living environment, he has rarely left her side over the past two years. She passed away this past June and his brother passed away just last month.
We opened our conversation with something of a catch up of the past few days. Very soon however the conversation turned to how he’s trying to navigate the losses in his life. In addition to the loss of mother and brother, he talked about a continued difficulty not working and teaching. Additionally, he has developed an arthritic condition in his knees which hampers mobility and leaves him sitting at home more than usual. It seems that loss for him has come from so many different directions concurrently.
As he talked, I reminded myself of some of the basics of what we have learned about grief, 1) this is his grief and not mine, 2) how he processes it is unique to him, 3) dealing with someone who’s grieving may not necessary follow our coaching paradigm. I also became aware of the Rescuer/Teacher in me who is uncomfortable with the pain of grief and might look for a quick fix or answer to provide some relief. I made a conscious effort to breathe and let go and just be present.
He clearly was beating himself up and ruminating over his inability to move forward, finding motivation to connect again socially or even to leave the house. I thought about our handouts on the determinants of grief, particularly the nature of the relationships and their impact on grief. He has lost his remaining nuclear family in 6 months. That’s a lot. I suggested that he might be a little more forgiving and tolerant of himself and that his process might be longer than imagined. I proposed that it is important to live out our own process and while people mean well – the truth is we all grieve in different ways and on different timetables. He talked about a feeling of being closed in, yet not really having the energy to engage. I inquired about his “alone time” and what was his experience of it. He did not describe it in depressing terms, just soothing and reflective. I reiterated the immensity of the loss he is experiencing and the need for a more inward focus is very understandable. He did however express a darkness about his physical surroundings in the house. I asked if there might be options other than having to be out with people. (I admit to you my cohort this was a leading question, oh well) He seemed to think the idea of sitting on the back patio with a book, now that it’s warmer, would be a pleasant change.
He expressed surprise at thinking at times that he was really doing better and then a sudden depth of sadness making a reappearance. He seemed to hold a frame of reference that he should just progressively get better on some continuous trajectory. I shared that based on what I’ve been learning most of us experience grief as more of a roller coaster and it’s important to be patient with ourselves. He talked about the notion of everything getting back to “normal”. I just shared that people had shared with me in times of my own grief the idea of “getting over it and getting back to normal” hadn’t worked for me. I said that I believed that that was unrealistic because I won’t have that person’s physical presence again (adjusting to a world without the deceased). I mentioned the notion of learning to re-order my life as it is now rather than expecting some kind of previous order. This notion resonated with his reality and seemed to offer some relief of expectation.
He slowly returned to voicing his ideas about what might be next for him. He said that he would love to go to Spain but was concerned about his knees and mobility. He mentioned a friend who still travels but makes arrangements with the airlines for wheel chair service. I reinforced that option. He mentioned a friend who had invited him to come to Colorado for a visit. I suggested that maybe that would be a good “dry run” for returning to travel. I said maybe you could call your friend and explore that plan. He agreed. I will follow up this week.
I guess as I reflect on this session, I really am struck by the enormity of grief, how real and encompassing it can be. I’m aware that even though I know mentally about being present with “someone else’s” grief with some detachment from my own – it’s really hard. But I do see the importance of mirroring their experience and remembering and respecting the wisdom that is needful is inside them. I am really grateful for the training we have received on this topic – it is so relevant personally and professionally. -
Hi Carrie,
I just really admire all the work that you do and the applications of what we’re learning in your life and work. It seems so sychronous that as we’ve been learning about trauma that you would get to work with children who have been affected by it. What marvelous work! I was reading again this morning, before I saw your post, about the mirroring effects of the natural world. When I read the part about what happens between animals who’ve known trauma and children who’ve known the same, I thought “of course!” the mirroring effect of giving care and learning to receive care. I wonder if these children feel loved by the animals they care about and simultaneously experience that love right back? Giving and receiving, loving and being loved. Belonging. And it seems that being in this love cycle of reciprocity is a powerful healer. Gosh, and teaching them how in that environment to ground themselves – its just absolutely priceless work! Good for you Carrie!
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Brad – initial Post
Robert is 58 years old and one of five children. Although he is a physician with a very successful practice, he recounts being continually berated by his mother who never praised him or his four siblings. He talks about growing up under constant criticism and often feeling like a failure, even after completing medical school. In the past five years however, he has begun to examine and question these dynamics in his life and is having some success in critically examining these assumptions and the automatic feelings of oppression and shame that he has felt in the past.
He is the father of three children, the youngest of which is a 27 year old daughter who is an addict with a child. She has been in and out of treatment and most recently had a relapse that prevented her from being accepted into treatment. We discussed this briefly at men’s group that we both attend and agreed to have a more involved one on one conversation about it. He knows about my own experience with a son who is a recovering addict and my affiliation with Earth-based Institute and my desire to become a nature connected coach. We agreed to meet at a nature preserve pavilion for a coaching session.
In establishing the coaching relationship for this session, I shared with him a little more fully about my experience so far in my training and that I would not be finished until summer. I used humor to let him know that I was an “intern” and not a real “doctor”, but I looked forward to our mutual sharing and how it might benefit both of us. This certainly proved to be true.
Prior to our session, and leading up to it, I had been doing a lot of thinking about change theory. Particularly, in my own experience, monitoring and examining my own thought processes, particularly those that always seem to lead to fear and anxiety. I had begun to practice questioning my thinking and at least beginning to explore the origins.
Being a physician, Robert fully understands the mechanics of brain functioning and we began with a conversation on that topic. As we talked, he conveyed his concern over his daughter’s drug addiction and her recent binge that prevented her from being accepted into treatment. He expressed concern for her and his granddaughter and how he became very anxious and worried about the outcome. I invited him to tell me more about his fears. I began to see an emerging pattern of thinking that was fairly engrained from years of history where he felt responsible to fix or “heal” things. He even talked about his work as a physician in helping other addicts but he couldn’t help his daughter.
I asked if we could explore this thought sequence a little more. (At this point I was wondering about some long held beliefs that might be “myelinated” and habitual.) I asked him to describe the experience of his last phone conversation with her. He said that at the sight of her name coming up on the phone he immediately felt fearful, had a nervous stomach and clamminess. (I thought of the hardwired response an experience perceived as threatening can have immediately and unconsciously without awareness. I wondered if we might be able to at least unpack the fear response a little bit by consciously examining its process)
He went on to say he had received so many calls that seemed disastrous. I said, “Seemed? Or were disastrous?” He admitted that the catastrophe he imagined was always worse than the actual outcome. (At this point I was thinking about the power of the pre-frontal cortex and mindful intention to override existing programming.) So I said, “You’re thinking tends to be more disastrous than reality?” He agreed and added, “Every time so far.” I asked him to tell me more about the effects of his thinking. He talked about the negative effects it was having on his own health and particularly his other relationships. I asked him to tell me more about what he wanted for his health and his other relationships. After he described that for me, I asked, “Is your current pattern of thinking about your daughter promoting that?” He said emphatically – NO. And that it was in fact jeopardizing those relationships and he knew all the worry and anxiety wasn’t even helping his daughter. I asked, “What might you do and how might you think differently to change this experience? (At this point I’m seeing the pre-frontal cortex getting involved around mindful awareness and clarifying intention)
At this point he reminded himself that while he’s not perfect, he is not a failure (integration) and worthy of happiness in his life and relationships. I asked him to describe for me (visualization) what he felt deserving of in his life and relationships (intention). I asked what he could do with the worry and fear response to his daughter that would move him in the direction of these desired outcomes. After some brainstorming, he arrived at intentionally recognizing consciously the fear response, practicing three deep breaths to arrest the automatic response, and actively letting go of the illusion of being a fixer and trusting in a Higher Power.
I asked if something in our current landscape caught his attention – It was a limestone creek running full from recent rains. He wanted to sit there a while and rehearse this different response. We did, after some time of silence I followed with the sacred questions.
He said that the message of the stream was about flow, and the reminder that we can adjust our position to experience it. This awareness seemed to perfectly merge the idea of changing brain circuitry (neuro-pathways) and nature connectedness (stream) together.
We agreed to have a follow-up conversation in the near future. -
Initial Post on Brain/Change. – Brad
Since December’s meeting, I’ve been through major changes personally and in my family, including a major move and beginning a new job. Additionally, I’ve been taking a class for individuals with mentally ill loved ones, attending a new men’s group devoted to a contemplative life and going to al-anon meetings for the first time. I’m Immersed both in education about and the experience of the mind/brain relationship and change. Everything in my life right now points back to this poem by David Whyte:
Enough. These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.
This opening to the life
We have refused again and again
Until now
UNTIL NOW.While there is some gratification in understanding the physiology of mental processes and their interplay with emotion and senses, it mostly overwhelms me. And the realization that neural pathways created early in our life are the size of the Grand Canyon depresses me. But I am bolstered by some things that we also are learning to be true:
We can experience this present moment.
The natural world is our ally.
All things, including us, are moving toward wholeness.
Empathy and reflection are powerful tools.
Connectedness is our natural state.
We can learn to work with these powerful forces.
We can trust soul.
There is power in community.
Mindfulness is prerequisite.
In truth – all is well. -
Summary Post on Change – Brad
I have to begin this reflection on change with a Mezirow quote about learning – all learning begins with a disorienting dilemma. It’s seems to me as I ponder our reading and our experiences that disorientation and conundrum are more the rule than the exception. In fact, sitting with the conundrum, recognizing it for what it is seems really ok – because it can be ok if it’s what is most true in that moment. Megan talked about her growth out of fix-it-ism. I think this is huge! In fact, al-anon has taught me that the opposite addiction of alcoholism is fixitism. It’s precisely because we are caring individuals that we want to fix people immediately. But I like Elizabeth’s reflection here that natural flow moves toward oneness and wholeness. Growth happens as a result of working in sync with the environment.
Carrie’s direct experience with anxiety is very relevant in working with change. If I’m consumed with physical anxiety, I can’t possibly move toward change. In fact, I may quite literally not be able to move at all. The skills that she used to bring the young women back into their own bodies and current awareness are useful in change. Seems to me that embodiment is fundamental to awareness of what is current state in order to make progress toward a desired future state.
This is where I love the simplicity of Megan coming back to that wonderfully defining question, “what do you want”. Can we just sit with that, reflect on that, restate that, get really familiar with the want. Change requires contemplation, this is where I tend to rush things, trying to get to threshold way to soon. Only to come back around for lack of clarity like Elizabeth discovered with her client stuck in her story for whatever reason. I’m guessing that contemplation needs a lot of attention. What is fleshed out here can be the fuel for planning and action stages.
Again, I come back to the positive of what’s working as Ivy suggested. What’S perfect in this moment? What’s working well? In fact, I agree with some of you that perhaps highlighting the things that are working well for someone can resource change. So, let’s be here now, see what is and what work might we be ready to do. And remember, the person across from us has all the inner resources needed to support the life that is unfolding in them.
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Summary Post – Brad
As I look over my notes and handouts and read your posts and comments, I’m struck again with the sense of awe I have about the nature of this course and the incredible souls I am experiencing it all with. I’ve had some challenges technically and otherwise getting to these discussions and I apologize. Interestingly, the last couple of months have been somewhat traumatic for me with a new job and moving to a new city. At this point perhaps its most efficient to both respond to you while I summarize.
Megan, thank you for sharing your own personal story about locating a source of trauma and your willingness to work with it. I appreciate very much your courage to face the cause and stay with it through to release. It’s very interesting to me that with the physical attention to sensations came words like “neutrality and compassion”. It reminds how much our work both internally and with others is wholistic – moving toward the recollection of our whole selves. You’ve provided us with a wonderful illustration and description of the mind, body, soul and spirit connection and how we work with the totality of a person and ourselves. I sensed that you were on the cusp of this experience at our last meeting. I’m so happy with you for this outcome. This is great work no doubt!
Elizabeth, I so appreciate the thoroughness with which you are approaching trauma work. I wonder if this is already a large part of your calling and future work. I am taking a class through the National Alliance for Mental Illness and of course we too are studying brain function and trauma. Environmental trauma seems to be the trigger for the onset of latent genetic predisposition to mental illnesses. PTSD is a condition and term now being applied far broader than war related trauma (and rightly so!) to child abuse, sexual abuse, loss, etc. There is much good work to be done with traumatized (wounded) souls and I’m so glad you feel more confident in helping people ground, feel safe and work toward release.
Michelle, thank you as well for your willingness to share from your own experience with trauma. I think you are right, sooner or later the majority of people we work with will need to address some level of trauma in their lives. And it makes perfect sense doesn’t it, we all have experiences that we are not equipped to handle and leave us with an experience of desperation. I absolutely loved your simple sentence – “So what now?” There you go – right? Our work and our healing can only occur in this present moment, in this present body, present to whomever sits with me now in this place called – here. Your attention to groundedness and matter of fact belief in our skills to achieve that are Assuring to me. I think Elizabeth mentioned in summary that is all about staying connected to soul and another and making room for nature to participate.
Finally, as you all have all alluded to, the role of the mind in regulating thought energy is huge in this respect. There is something very powerful about harnessing the power of mindfulness as a key resource and condition to address trauma. The more I learn about the physiology of the brain, the more I sense that the operation of mindful awareness is the place for change and transformation to occur. Mindfulness and working with the release of trauma symptoms are inseparable.
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Initial post – Brad Bankhead
Shortly after our sessions on recognizing and working with symptoms of trauma, I had the opportunity to apply and practice some of that understanding and skills. This person has a history of chronic and sometimes severe social anxiety. In this instance, he was experiencing very labored breathing, crying, severe anxiousness, shaking and inability to speak. I could sense that circle of energy escalating and feeding on itself. I thought of the need to dissipate that energy somehow like the example of the deer sequencing its energy.
I remembered the need to create some focus for this person outside of himself. I simply started with my voice. He seemed very near hyperventilation so I just spoke in a quiet and consistent voice asking first if he could hear my voice. Can you hear me? Slowly he began to nod “yes”. I replied good and encouraged him to just keep his ears attentive to my voice as best as he could. Are you still able to hear me? Yes came the reply. We did this for what seemed like 10 minutes or so. His labored breathing began to subside slightly so I reflected that to him. You’re beginning to breath a little easier. Yes he nodded. Just focus on my voice and breathe a little easier if you can. As his breathing eased further, I asked if he could take a slower, deeper breathe – he did. At this point I asked if he thought he could maybe take three deep breaths and he did. I reflected that he did that very well. As he began to calm, I asked that he further focus on his own breathing and try to control the rhythm and pace. As he moved into a more normal breathing pattern, I checked in with his anxiety level – better he replied. Eventually we were able to have a conversation and then his ability to acknowledge a calmness and okness returning to his body.
The whole understanding of sequencing and the need to cooperate with the body to release pent up energy took on a whole new dimension of understanding in this experience. -
Hi Megan,
Thanks for sharing your experience with the two clients. Something you said about laying out milestones resonates with me, along with your comment about building a long-term container. I can see that it could take a few sessions to establish a clear end goal. Building a website seems like a fairly practical outcome to get clarity about but other issues might be more difficult. However, even in addressing the challenge of getting a website up and running I imagine a lot of discovery will occur. Like, facing the challenges and set backs or lack of clarity around form or content. In other words, recognizing the hurdles that could be more intra-personal and locating the resources or “parts” that can rise to meet the challenges. Building a website, like anything else we want for ourselves will reveal our humanness and the need to find and utilize the resources of Soul. These posts are really helping me to get a sense of direction for long term coaching.
Thanks,
Brad
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Hi Kairon,
I loved this awareness that your client shared: “She found that it was extremely rewarding to know that she had what she needed all along.” That’s a powerful awareness to acknowledge in an initial meeting. I believe you must have established a very accepting platform and container for that kind of awareness to occur. I also appreciated your imagined timeline for long term coaching. Based on what we know about brain change, its a good idea to have 3 month to integrate new ways of being and the practices and rituals that support that.
Good Job and thanks!
Brad
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Megan,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was a real gift of encouragement to me today. I remember my own all night vigil during my passage experience about 3 years ago. I became so agitated at times that I wasn’t hearing the Big Voice from the heavens. Finally, frustrated and silent and tired of all thinking and words, just a simple prayer came to my lips – “please don’t let me miss my life”. At the time I really had no idea what that meant. EBI was a big part of what followed after that night and everyone in this family. The two deepest desires of my heart began to manifest and slowly the world around me began to shape a container for what was in my heart. Just this week (and maybe everyday if I’m attentive) more gifts have appeared that expand further my life path. And thank you for the reminder that a Power beyond ourselves knows exactly where we are and who needs us. Surrender, letting go, is the theme around which I find my orbit right now on so many levels in my life – pain, regret, guilt, purpose, opportunity, direction, self, helping others, etc. I’m really looking forward to next week. I’m coming as an empty vessel yet again in anticipation of being filled to the brim and overflowing.